Freaking out..

I'm so scared for later on.. We're finally going to talk. Shit. What do I say? What if I cry? What if you actully let me go....? What am I going to do..

It's going to hurt. 

I'm just not going to be able to handle it.. 

I'm in love with you, how could I let things get this bad? Am I seriously that fucking stupid? I guess so. I'm just praying later, when we talk, goes good. That I won't lose you. That maybe, just maybe, this will be the start of something new with us. & a good new start, not bad. 

I'm just so scared. You have no idea. 

If you actully let me go this time, I'm going to lose it. I'm just not going to be able to do anything. 

I'm going to get depressed, I know it.. It's going to hit me so hard.. 

But, like I've been saying & doing. I'll just go numb.. To where I can't feel anything. Maybe that's the better choice if this all goes horrible.. Because it's going to hurt, so bad. Like a just got stabbed repeatedly in the back.. 

I just can't handle losing you.. 

~Erica.. 

June 30, 2014. 

Out of words.

It's 1:58 a.m. 

You're the only thing that has crossed my mind all night. 

I can't sleep. & maybe it's because I'm thinking about you. Yeah, probably. 

It's just, nevermind. My words obviously don't matter. So why say anything? You obviously don't listen. So why bother? I've literally said 95% of everything I wanted to say to you in this past year of 'us.' I said 95% because I know there's stuff I have left out. Either because I forgot, or thought it wouldn't matter. But, it's whatever. 

I just don't know what to say, I'm completely out of words. 

~Erica. 

June 27, 2014. 

I can't handle this.

I miss you. 

I really miss you. 

I really fucking miss you. 

 

How could you do this to me? You know I can't handle it. & you know I'm beyond depressed now. But, I'm pretty sure you don't know what mean when I say I've gotten depressed. Because I promised you I wouldn't cut anymore, but I broke that promise. Just like how you broke your promise that you'd never leave me. But you did.. I still can't believe it. Because in a way it doesn't feel like you're gone. That there's still a part of me that has it that you're still with me. But, you let me go. You fucking let me go. What is wrong with you? You knew that would destroy me. But you did it anyways. You knew I wouldn't be able to handle it. Fuck, I was balling my eyes out on the phone the whole time we were on the phone. Didn't that tell you anything? That your words were hurting me. I know you, you tried so hard not to care. & I'll give you props, you made it believeable for a little bit. Until I remember who you are, you always care. You always will. No matter how bad you try not too. But you pulled off a good act, congratulations. I'm so fucking proud of you. Ha, that actually explains a lot. Why you wouldn't say anything when you realize how bad I was crying, or heard me crying. Because I know you knew I was, you know me. How couldn't you know.  You knew right that second that I was broken. That my heart was in a million pieces on the ground right beneath me. But, you didn't care right? Ha, what a joke. You really know how to put up an act. But you cared, we all know that. You wouldn't say a word. You stayed quit, you felt like shit. You knew you were hurting me. & you will do. But you think this is for the "best." Literally two minutes before we got off the phone, you were getting upset. You were hurting yourself, you just didn't want to believe it. You're voice was so soft, like you didn't want to be heard. The moment you said, "I'll talk to you soon." I could barely hear you, it was like a whisper. Voice so quite & soft. That's when I realized you were hurting too. Before that, you were saying you might be making the biggest mistake of your life, losing the best thing you could ever have. Why would you say all that to me? Just why?! Were you trying to get to something? You kept saying you might regret doing this, but do you really believe that? 

You're so fucking stupid. But I love you. 

You're a complete asshole at times, but I still love you the same. 

You can treat me like shit, & my feelings stil don't change for you. 

Do you not realize how much I fucking love you? Because I highly doubt you do. 

God damn it, I hate how much I love you at times. Because I know it's just hurting me more. 

You're so fucking blind. 

OPEN YOUR DAMN EYES. Please. 

~Erica. 

June 26, 2014. 

I just wasn't good enough..

I hate this. 

I fucking hate this. 

I just can't take this anymore.. 

It's gotten too bad, too fast.. & I can't stop it. 

I don't know what to do.. I'm so depressed. I don't even have a current feeling anymore. I'm just... Numb. I can't feel a thing, & that could be a good thing. But for right now, it's not. I've been cutting, just to make sure I'm still alive. To make sure I can still feel.. & sadly, I can. To be honest, I don't want to feel anymore. I don't even want to be here anymore. I've thought about suicide so many times in just the last three days.. & I'll be completely honest, I'm thinking about it again, right now. 

I just can't take the pain anymore, you have no idea how much this fucking hurts. 

How much I'm fucking in love with you. You just have no idea, do you? 

I guess not. Since you've, "let me go." I can't handle this, & you know it. Not talking you, sucks. Not seeing, just sucks even worse. & you know what's funny, I'm still wanting for you to text me & tell me you've made a mistake.. I'm still waiting for you to miss me.. I guess I just wasn't good enough for you, which hurts like a bitch. Since that's all I've ever wanted to be for you.. Well, I'm sorry. I'm just me.. 

I'm sorry I wasn't good enough.. 

~Erica.. 

June 25th, 2014. 

Living Hell.

Just fucking great. 

Well.. My life is officially a living hell.🔫 The guy I'm completely in love with, let me go. He called me & explained the reason, & he just does trust me. Which sucks so fucking bad. We were on the phone for an hour an a half. & I was crying the whole time.. It just hurts knowing I lost the guy I love.. The last words he said was, "I'll talk to you soon." & I said, "Not soon enough.." & he said, "Well.. Bye.." & I said, "Bye.." With tears pouring down my face. Right when the phone hung up, I lost it. I went in side & the first thing I did was grab a blade.. I wanted to end my life right that second. But it got to the point where I just feel numb, I have no emotions anymore. I cut last night so many times, just to make sure I could still feel & to make sure I was still alive.. Even when I didn't want to be. Today I feel like complete shit... I am numb. 

~OneDepressedBitch.🔫 

June 25th, 2014. 

One Whole Year.♡

Today's June 15th.. & I don't even have to explain why I said that. I just can't believe it's been a whole year, damn haha. But anyways, I seriously miss you so much. You have no idea.. You haven't left my mind once. I'm always thinking about you.. OhMyGosh.. I'm going to start crying.. I miss you more than anything. I know you're only gone for two weeks, but it feels like so much longer because I can't talk you.. & you have no idea how bad that sucks. Cause I have so much I need to talk to you about, & just so much I have to tell you. Nothing bad, of course. Haha. But still, when you come back I'm just hoping everything is the same. Well, maybe not exactly the same. For some reasons, but I'm not explaining that on here.. But, I just wish you were here. I miss you so much.. I've literally cried because of it, I keep telling myself that you'll be back & thinking positive so I don't cry.. It's only worked a few times. I just hope you're having a fun time in Peru! & I'll see you when you come back, hopefully.♡ 

I love you Eduardo, don't forget that.♡

~AGirlWhoMissesTheGuySheLoves..

June 15, 2014. 

A whole year.♡