Want to know something?

I miss how we used to be two years ago. Don't get me wrong, I love how we are now. Just not as much as then. If you know what I mean. I honestly miss waiting for you to come over every day. & you telling me, "I'll be right over after I eat." & if you were taking too long you would explain to me why you were late. &  say you're sorry so many times. You would always tell me how much you hated your uncle because of him always trying to fight with you. & I would try my hardest just to get him off of your mind. I miss waiting for that, "Come outside" text from you. We would hang out everyday after school until nine because of my mom, haha. & on the weekends, you would hang out with your friends. & I would hang out with mine. & sometimes you would text me telling me to come over. & that you want to see me. & if I was getting ready to go somewhere, you would ask me to meet you half way so you could see me for a few minutes. You would just leave your friends to come see me. & I would always feel bad because I thought I was taking you away from your friends. & you would explain to me how they were okay with it because you were happy. I miss walking around base everyday with you, going on randomly adventures with you. Having to call my mom to tell her I was going to be a little late because we got lost, haha. But we both knew we weren't lost, we just wanted to be with each other more. I miss having my bus buddie everyday in the morning & afternoon. I miss getting to know you, even though I know there's stuff we both don't know about each other from our childhood. I miss going over to your house to watch a movie or just to cuddle on the couch. & I remember the first time I meet your mom, we were laying on the couch, & when she walked in I barried my head into your arm thinking she was going to see me. & you telling her, "No one is under here mom." Just to joke around with her. & Zach was there too, & he didn't believe us that we kissed. So he shined the flashlight on us just to see you kiss me. Eduardo, I miss wanting school to end everyday because I knew you were going to come over afterwards. I miss our first kiss, where it wasn't suppose to happen. But it did anyways, & that was the day I realized I had feelings for you. I will never forget that day, because that day is the first day I realized I wanted you in my life for the rest of my life. & I know that probably sounds weird, but it's true.. What I loved about our relationship was we become friends, & then best friends to lovers. & then started dating. We learned almost everything about each other first, & then got into a relationship. We started loving each other before we got together. You know, the first time you told me you loved me, it was one of the happiest day of my life. Knowing the person I loved so much, actually loved me back. & wasn't afraid to tell me. Even if it was over FaceTime because you were in Indiana waiting for your nephew to be born. & I remember when you came back, you lied to me just to surprise me. Having me walk all the way to your house just for me to turn around & see you standing in the middle of the road. I honestly almost started crying because I was so happy. & I could probably go on, but I won't right now. I just wanted you to know, I really miss hanging out with you after school everyday & waiting for that, "Come outside" message from you. Because when I got that message, I knew that was going to be a good day & I was going to fall asleep with a smile on my face. 

Home.

You know what, it's time for me to go home. Time for me to be with my mom again. Because to be completely honest, I really miss my mom. & it's killing me that I don't get to see my baby brother grow up. Like I don't want my baby brother thinking that I am that sister that only comes around once in awhile. I want him to know me when he grows up, & to know that I am his older sister & that I have been with him since birth. & it's killing me not seeing him as much as I want too. & being with mom like I used too be. Plus, the weather is finally starting to get warmer & I can start talking him & the dogs for walks. Playing with him outside, teaching him how to walk & just everything that a little baby needs to learn. I want to be apart of that. Because it will also get me prepared to have a baby of my own when I get older. 

Anyways, because I am getting way off topic I think. I am just ready to go home & be with my family. I miss them, I miss them all so much. & now, I am finally going to be with them again.

 It's my choice & I am choosing to go back home to my family. Where I belong.

Always lied too..

I am tired of getting lied too, why is it so hard for people to just tell me the truth? I honestly don't understand. 

You know, I just want you to stop lying to me. I want you to stop doing everything you've been doing, I just want you to only want me. To only kiss & do stuff with me. But I guess that's why to much to ask for.. I never knew it was so hard for someone to be with me.. But it can never be just me, can it? There always has to be another person in all of my relationships. But I honestly thought this time was going to be different. I actually thought you were done lying to me & doing what you've been doing in the past. I actually believed you changed.. But you fooled me, you fooled me so damn good. You haven't stopped, & you never will. You will never stop doing that shit just to be with me. Because I guess I don't mean all that much to you anyways. Since you can just continue doing all of that to me. 

Honestly, what did I do? I know I have fucked up in the past. & I tried to prove you wrong. But still managed to fuck it up. But even before I fucked it up, you were lying to me. So I don't understand why you got so mad at me when you've been doing way worse for way longer. I just don't understand. But like always, this is probably just my fault. I am the cause for everything. 

I don't know what to say anymore, I am already crying. So it just doesn't matter.