Last Soccer Game, 2013.

So, I went to his last soccer game of this season. Just to support him & watch his game. I didn't mean to run into my old best friend, Faith. But I did. & I decided it was time to put all this pointless drama to an end. So, I sat right next to her. The first words outta my mouth were, "I'm sorry." That was what I mainly had to say. I had to get it out there that I was truly sorry. & I didn't want to fight her. Yeah, it looked like I did. But, I wouldn't fight her. Just because she's not my best friend anymore. & rumors have been going around doesn't mean I'm going to try to fight her. That would be bad. So, I went right up to her & I said I was sorry. Sorry that I got angry & over reacted. She kept saying it was fine. But to me it wasn't. I felt horrible. But, I tried to make it up to her as much as I could. So, I tried talking to her. & we just talked the whole soccer game. Just about stuff that has been going on & new memories that have happened. After all soccer game talking & I guess catching up. It was time to go. So, Faith left. I tried to call my mom. But of course. She wouldn't answer. So, I just continued to call her over & over again. 
While calling her, I turn around & boom. There he was. Just standing there.. I wanted to go over to him & give him a hug & tell him good job. But, I remembered he isn't mine anymore & I can't just go up to him & hug him when ever I want. So, I just decided to text him saying good job instead. We started texting & I swear. Everytime I got a message from him I just smile for a second. I was happy for a split second. Just getting a text message from him.. But, then he stopped texting me. So I just decided to go to sleep. 

Ha.., I still remember the first soccer game I ever went too. It was this year & it was all just for him. I told him I was going to go to it. & he didn't believe me. Haha, I proved him wrong once again. The whole game I was so happy. I finally got to go to his soccer game. & watch him play his favorite sport. It was also the first soccer game I have ever went too. & it was also the best soccer game ever. The whole time I was so happy. & then at the end of the game Brooke & Grace wanted me to walk up to him. But, I was so scared. I don't even know why. So, they had to drag me half way out there. & we just stood there waiting for them. & he walked right up to me & kissed me infront of everyone. Right there in the middle of the soccer field. I was beyond happy. I seriously couldn't stop smiling. Ha.. I'm even smiling right now just thinking about it. That was one of the best moments ever. I wish I could go back to that day. It was so perfect. & he was still mine & I was still his.. 

Ever since that soccer game I just continued to go to them. Hoping that would happen just one more time. But, it never did.. 

~Nevaeh Raine. 

October 15th, 2013. 

School.

I seriously hate school so much. It's like a prison. & I'm the prisoner. The food sucks. So I don't eat it. The teachers are all bitches. & a lot of students are assholes. Not all of them, just most. If doesn't help everywhere I turn I see him.. & most of the time it's fine & I just smile because I'm happy for him. But other times he may be flirting with some girl or something. & it just hurts so much.. I can't stand watching it. But, I can't turn away. It hurts the most when he's flirting with her.. That's when I just want to cry. I know that probably sounds over dramatic. But, if people understood the pain I go throughout everyday then maybe they would understand. But they don't. So they can't judge, but they still do.. I just seriously hate school. It's a waste of my time. Yeah, I'm getting an education. But, no education is worth dealing with all the shit I deal with everyday. Yeah, I smile. I act like I'm happy. But, it's never a real smile. It's fake. I'm not really happy. I may seem like it. But please, don't let that foul you. Because I'm not. 

School is seriously just so much to handle now a days. I just wish it was simpler. But, it's not. & I hate that I have to go every day at school with a fake smile. & everytime anyone asks if I'm okay. I just say yeah & boom. They believe me. I hate lying to people about that. But, it's not like they would are anyways. I just wish someone would ask me if I'm okay & I would say yes I'm fine & they would say "No you're not. What's wrong?" Then I would finally not is at least someone can see I'm hurting.. But, no one does. & it's going to be like that till I graduate. I honestly just hate school. I wish it was better.. But, it's not. & I don't think it's ever going to be. 

~Navaeh Raine. 

October 14th, 2013. 

Hate This..

I can't take this anymore. I miss him more than words can describe.. I just want him to be mine again. I just want to run into his arms & hug him. & never let go. I just want to call him mine again.. & I hate this so much. Because I know he more than likely doesn't want anything to do with me.. He doesn't like me. Why would he? Yeah, he once did. & I wish so much that he still did. But, seriously. Look at me. I wouldn't like me either. Ha.. Who would? 

Ughh. I just hate this so much. Seriously, when will this pain just go away? Never? Okay, that's cool. I honestly don't see how he could move on so fast. He said he "lost feelings." How do you lose feelings that fast? Especially to the person you lost your virginity too. Like really? God fucking damn it.. I hate this so much. I just want to scream. But why do that? No one will hear me anyways. You know, I could go on & on about him. But, I choose not too. Because I know one of the guys will take my phone or he will take my phone & read it. & I don't want to sound like I'm fricken obsessed with him. Cause I'm not. That would be weird as hell. But honestly, I just want him to like me the way he did back in August. I just want everything bad.. Please? Is that so hard to ask for. I just want to be happy. Just for once to finally stay happy. & he's the only thing that makes me 100% happy. No joke. I'm not lying. I just want him to be happy.. But I want to be the reason. He said I used to be to reason why he was happy. Why he had a smile on his face everyday. 

OhMyGosh.. This is bring back memories.. I'm already starting to cry.. I remember the day he got back from Indiana. He called me asking if I could go to his house, up to his room so I could put something away or he would get in trouble by his mom. So, I said yeah I'll walk to his house & do it for him. So, I began to walk. & right when I was almost at his house he told me to turn around. Because I had to get something from my house & take it to his house. So, I turned around. I began to walk back to my house. When, I seen someone sitting on the side of the road. It looked so much like him. I asked him if that was him. & he didn't know what I was talking about. So, I continued to walk. When I realized that was him. I froze for a second. I stopped walking & I began to tear up. I was so happy. I walked up to him & he just smiled at me. I asked for a hug. & he got up & hugged me so tight. I didn't want to let go. I didn't want to lose him again. I was beyond happy that he was back. & He just had to biggest smile on his face. He kissed me so many times. & I believe he said he missed my lips. I started to cry from how happy I was. I had him back. & I knew he wasn't going anywhere. He was back to stay. & I didn't want to watch him leave again. It hurt too much the first time. I can't do that again. 

I remember that day like it just happened yesterday. & I wish it was just yesterday that happened. Because, I would know he was still mine. & I was still his. I would know he still loved me & wanted to be with me. I just want it all back.. I want to be his again. I just want to be happy again.. & I want him to be the reason why. I just want to be together again. I miss him so much. I seriously need him more than anything. But, he doesn't seem to understand that.. I just wish I could go to sleep happy because he's mine. & wake up with the same smile I had on my face when I fell asleep. I wish I could wake up next to him every morning. Like I did on the weekends. I just wish, he still loved me like he used too.. 

~Nevaeh Raine.</3

October 14th, 2013.

Not Strong Enough.

Everyone says I'm strong. That they know I can make it thought a lot. That almost nothing can take me down. But, the truth is. I'm not strong. I'm really not. Yeah, I once was. Well I think I once was. But, I'm not anymore. I've gotten weaken. & I don't know how to make myself strong again. I'm trying to find away. But, it seem impossible now.. I can't do this on my own. I need someones help. But no one is noticing I've gotten weaker. They all keep saying I'm strong. & I can get through this. The thing is, I can't. & if I can, I would love to know how. But for now, I need help from someone. & I have someone in mind. But I doubt he even cares. He more than likely hasn't noticed either. Ugh. I just don't know what to do anymore. I hate this so much. It's crazy. I just need his help. But, I doubt he'll even try.. 

~Naveah Raine. 
October 8th, 2013.

So Confused.

Wow, I haven't wrote in this for a while. Just so much stuff has happened. & not enough time, I guess. 

Well, to start. I'm so confused. I don't know what to do anymore. Diego left me. He broke up with me. I still can't believe it. I miss him like crazy. I just want him back. But, I doubt he even misses me. We still talk & text. We even flirt when we hang out. He kissed me just the other day. I missed his kiss.. He literally kissed me outta no where. We were just standing there & he wouldn't say anything only, "I don't know." I asked him to say something else or do something. He kept getting closer & closer. Asking me what I wanted him to say or do. But, I just told him I can't tell him what to do. & he kept getting closer. To where we were looking into each other's eyes. I tried not to make eye contact. But, it didn't work. He looked right at me. & outta no where, he grabbed my face & kissed me. I was so shocked. Because I didn't think he would want to even touch me. Let alone kiss me. I was so happy when he did tho. I missed him so much. I still do. I didn't stop him because I didn't want too. I wanted him to kiss me. I want him to be mine again. I miss him so much, I can't even put it in words. I see him in school & I just want to go up to him & kiss him, hug him, anything. I hate this so much, it hurts.. We talk & everything. But, it's just no the same. I want everything back to te way it was. I need him. & he doesn't even notice. It sucks to know the person your head of heals for, doesn't feel the same way.. 

I just need him to come back.. 

~Naveah Raine. 

October 7th, 2013. 

I'm Lost.

I don't know where I am anymore. It's like my bright light, showing me where to go. Is gone. Now I'm lost. I'm lost in the darkest. & there's not getting out. I can't see my bright light anymore. She's left me behind. She took off without me. & left me in the dark. The one thing that hurts the most is. My bright light told me she would never leave me. Because she knows I'm scared of the dark. She promised she wouldn't leave me. But she did. She left me in this pitch black world. Where I can't see anything. But black. It hurts knowing she just left. Even when she said she wouldn't. Knowing she was always there. That she wouldn't leave me. Because she knew I couldn't get out alone. That I couldn't face this dark world without her. Because, she was my bright light. & still is. I'm trying to find her. But, I feel like she's gone. & there's nothing I can do to get my bright light back. So, now I'm lost. I'm lost in this dark black world without my bright light. & I know I can't get out alone. I need her. But I don't think she realized it. & still doesn't. Because, she's not back. & I'm scared she's not coming back. I need her. More than anything. Without her I'll never find my way. & I'll always be lost in this dark world. I need my bright light back. I'm tired of being lost. 

I need my best friend back. But, I think she's already gone.</3 

~Nevaeh Raine. 

August 26th, 2013. 

August 15th, 2013.<3

It's official. Me & Diego are finally dating. :) I can't believe it. Even though it has felt like we've been dating for months now. We are FINALLY together. I can finally call him mine. & I'm finally all his. I'm so happy. It was a cute way too. :) He took my phone & changed his name to, "Will You Go Out With Me?" & then when he gave me back my phone. He called me & that's what it said. I had the biggest smile on my face. & I will do. :) I don't think anyone knows how happy I really am. I can't get it through my head that he's finally mine. Ahhh. It's so amazingg. I seriously love him. I realized that while he was gone. I have been falling for him. & he had been catching me. That's the most amazing feeling ever.<3 

I love you, Diego.<3 

~Nevaeh Raine.<3 

August 18th, 2013.