I Want To Go Back..

I don't even know what to think anymore.. I just want everything back to the way it was before. I want to go back to the day it all began.. Back to May 6th. It was the first day we kissed. The first day you told me you liked me. The first day I realized what was right in front of me. It was the first day everything started to feel right. Everything was falling right into place. Everything felt so right. 

I still can't believe that day. It started off as being the worst. But, you made it the best towards the end. I just want to go back. Start everything all over. & relive it once more. I just want to be happy again. & that's when I was the happiest I could be. Because I was spending everyday with the person that meant the most to me. You. I was so happy I had a smile on my face everyday. Even when you were with her. I was still happy. Because I knew at the end of the day, you were mine. & that's all that matter. 

I just want to go back. I want to go back to the first day we started talking. The first day I rode your bus. The first day you came over to my house. The first day I went to yours. The first day we kissed. The first day, it all began. 

I honesty miss you. I just wish I could go back.. 

~Navaeh Raine. 

November 4th, 2013. 

Goodbye?

I can't believe it's came down to this.. After everything. We said goodbye once again. At least last time I knew you were coming back. This time I don't even know. I hate saying goodbye & you know it. But, you still choose to say it. I know you said, "Goodbye doesn't mean forever." But it sure feels like forever.. Even if you don't think so. I just hate the word. I hate saying it. Especially to you. It just hurts too much. 

I remember the first time you had to say goodbye. It was because you were going to Indiana to see your sister for a month. We had to say goodbye & it was hard. Because my best friend was leaving me.. Ha.. I remember we kept making up excuses to see each other. & each time we would hug & kiss.. Because we had to wait awhile to do anything. We had to wait a month to kiss, hug, hang out or even see each other. Yeah, we would FaceTime. But it just want the same.. Because we wanted to be there with each other. But couldn't be.. But, the one thing that helped me was knowing you were coming back to me. That's what kept a smile on my face everyday you were gone. & the day you came back made me so happy. Because I could finally kiss you, hug you, be with you. I was happy to know you were back to stay. 

I can't handle another goodbye. Especially not knowing if you're coming back or not.. 

~Nevaeh Raine. 

November 4th, 2013. 

I just want my best friend back.. To stay. 

Broken.

Congratulations. You broke me completely this time.. I just can't believe it. I can't believe my own eyes right now.. Really? You kissed her. Are you fucking kidding me right now..? I hope you are.. But, I know you're not. Because I seen it. With my own two eyes.. You honestly have no idea how bad I just wanted to fall to the ground & cry my eyes out. You seriously have no fucking idea.. I can't even look at you anymore. Everytime I do I think of you kissing her.. & it makes me want to cry so bad. But, I hold it all in until I get home. That's when everything comes out.. All the tears I've been holding back, fall. The fake smile, turns to a frown. The prefect make up, begins to run. It's when every little thing just flows out. Like a river. You can't stop it. You can only watch it. 
It just hurts. You say all that too me & then go & kiss her. It's so messed up.. Like, I know you said nothing will change. But, I was hoping you would change your mind. I guess I was wrong once again.. I'm sorry for misunderstanding.. 
I honestly don't even know what to say. Yeah, we're "single" but did you really think I wouldn't care about that? Seriously. I still can't believe my own eyes.. I don't want too. But, I have too.. & that's what hurts the most.. You didn't even care that I seen. You just walked away without a care in the world... Or it seemed like it anyways.. 

~Nevaeh Raine..
November 3rd, 2013.

Everything Makes Sense Now.

Wow. I can't believe it took me this long to realize all this. You've cared this whole time. You have been pretending this whole time. Each time you told me you didn't like me anymore was a lie. You admitted it. You still have feelings for me. I don't know how much. All I know is they're there. & tonight they grew a little bit back. Wow, for once your feelings grew when mine stayed the same. I still can't get what you said outta my head. You want to move on. & you want me to move on. But, you're not ready to stop having sex? It makes no sense to me. Especially when we had sex, again. & this time your feelings actually grew.. Like, I just don't know what to think. You said to move on. But, you're always the one to kiss me first. You're always the one to make the first move.. & you tell me to move on.. Wow. I just realized all that. You are the one that does all that first. OhMyGosh.. Now I realize why you always kissed me. You said today. Your feelings started to grew more from the way we kiss.. That must mean your feelings have been growing all this time. & I just haven't noticed that. & you're telling me to stop hanging out with you. Because you don't want them to grow anymore. Cause you've said you're done dating me. & that's one thing you want to keep that you've said your done with. Dang.. I can't believe it's taken me this long to realize all this. I guess you were right when you said I didn't understand.. Well, now I do. I at least understand more than I did yesterday. 
But, I just have to try to move on. Right? I have to leave you alone. & honestly, that hurt more than anything. You said it was a smile on your face & everything. Like, you didn't care about my feelings. Well, I don't  know if you did or do but it just kinda felt like that. It hurt so bad. I just wanted to fall to the ground crying. But, I didn't. I just tried to hold back the tears. Until they just fall down my face without warning.. Gosh, I hate crying in front of you. I really do. Because I think you think I'm just doing it for attention. When I'm not.. I hate crying in front of people. Especially you.. Anyways, I just don't know what to do. I've been trying to move on. But, that hurts so much. But I'm going to try anyways. Because that's what you want.. So, I'm doing it for you. & so I can get my best friend back.. I miss him. So many memories.. I don't even want to name any because I'm going to start crying.. I just miss my best friend.. & only time is going to fix that. I'm just glad I've finally realized all that. & understand so much more. 

~Nevaeh Raine.
October 29th, 2013.

Maybe, It's That Time..

I've been sitting here, staring at this computer screen for at least an hour. I'm not even joking. I'm over thinking worst than before. So much going through my head. But, I think I made my decision.. So, here it goes..

I think it's time. It's time to try to move on.. It's going to hurt like a bitch but I guess it's just that time.. I don't want too. I wish there was another choice. But there's not.. & it sucks.. 

I just want him to be happy. & if by me moving on is going to make him happy then I'll try just for him.  I just wish I could make him happy like I used too.. Ha.. I remember all our memories when we were just best friends. We would hang out everyday after school. He would come to my house & text me saying he's outside. & we would just walk around & have fun. I remember that one day we decided to go for a walk in the woods. Not knowing where we were going. But also, not caring. You wanted to climb on this dead tree & you fell. You cut your head open. & I don't know why but I felt so bad. I felt like it was my fault. Anyways, it started getting darker & darker. So, we turned around & tried to find our way back home. Even though it took like 2 hours. It was all worth it. I also remember that one time we passed out in my yard because we were both tired as fuck. People seen us & started saying we were dating & had a thing. When we didn't at that time. It wasn't even weird. We were sharing a blanket & I was using his arm as a pillow. Wow, that was the first time we slept together.. Haha. & I remember the first time I went over to your house & your mom came home. We were just sitting on your couch playing black ops. & I got so nerves. You started laughing at me because of it. & I would tell you to stop. But that just made me laugh. I remember so much stuff that you probably don't remember.. The walks after school, the bus rides. Haha, we were bus buddies.. You specking to me in Spanish just to confuse me or tell me something you didn't want me to know because you were shy or scared to tell me. Texting everyday after I walked you half way home. Facetiming just because we were both bored & it was late at night. OhMyGosh... I remember that one night you facetimed me when you were still down in Indiana. That was the first time you told me you loved me.. & I said it back.. Wow, we have had so many great memories. Oh yeah, can't forget about June 15th.. Haha. Or August 15th.. So many memories. I wish I could relive them..

Ugh, I hate this.  I hate this so fricken much. You know what I miss? I miss my best friend. I miss the guy that was always there for me. The guy that when he first seen my scars on my wrist kissed them. & showed that he cared. & he wanted to help & be there for me when no one else was. I miss all our memories. I miss no having a care in the world because I knew I had a guy best friend that was just like me. & I didn't have to be someone I wasn't. I could be my complete self around & not care when I looked liked. I just miss my best fucking friend.. I want him back! But, I know I'm not going to get him back until I move somewhat on for him. To where me & him can be alone & I don't have that feeling to try to kiss me or anything like that. That's why he wants to stop talking & hanging out for a month. So I can move on. I just hope after all this I at least get my best friend back. That would be a dream come true. I'm not even joking.. But, I know I'm not going to get him back until I move.. So, maybe it is that time. 

When I wake up I'm going to try to start moving on. & if me & him see each other or talk or even text then I'm just going to remind myself that me & him are just friends. That's it. Nothing more.. & it's time to move on.. 

~Nevaeh Raine..

October 22nd, 2013. 

Escape.

I just need to escape reality for a little way. Just get away from everything. No over thinking, no crying, no worrying.. Nothing. Just having a blank mind & get away for a while. Life is so stressful theses days. I wish everything was just similar. But, it's not. I just need to get away. Just fall in a hole a stay there. Waiting for someone to notice that I'm missing. But, no one will notice. No one ever notices. That just how it is. Right? 

I just need to get away & breathe. Just relax & escape from all this drama & bullshit. I'm so tired of it all. It's getting annoying. I just to be free. Like a bird. I want to fly up in the sky & go somewhere. Come back the next day all happy. Not overthinking or anything. Wow, now writing that down I'm doubting it. I would come back overthinking because I would he thinking about who missed me or even noticed I was gone. I would be just wondering so much stuff in my head. But not saying a thing. It would be the whole thing all over again. My overthinking would still continue. No matter what. That's just me. I overthink everything. I can't help it. I try to stop it but nothing works. Nothing ever works. It's always been the total opposite for me. 

You know what, I think I just need to breathe. Relax. & I will have to find away to do that on my own. Even if I just escape for a few hours. That would be enough for me to figure out some things. That would be enough for me to relax & forget the world. 

~Nevaeh Raine. 

October 17th, 2013. 

2 Months.

Wow. Today would have been our 2 months. I realized that today in math when the teacher told us the date. It's October 15th. We started dating officially on August 15th. Haha, you changed your name in my phone to "Will You Go Out With Me?" & you called me. It was so cute. I just smiled & said yes. That was the best day ever. We were officially dating. Even though we were acting like we were dating way before that. Haha. Before you left for Indiana.

It just sucks that were not together anymore. Or it would really be our 2 months. But.. It's not. 

I'm sitting in school watching you have a good day. Smiling & laughing having a blast. & I'm just.. Well, sitting here. Thinking about 2 months ago. & how happy we were. I wish I could go back.. 

~Nevaeh Raine. 

October 15th, 2013.