Out of words.

It's 1:58 a.m. 

You're the only thing that has crossed my mind all night. 

I can't sleep. & maybe it's because I'm thinking about you. Yeah, probably. 

It's just, nevermind. My words obviously don't matter. So why say anything? You obviously don't listen. So why bother? I've literally said 95% of everything I wanted to say to you in this past year of 'us.' I said 95% because I know there's stuff I have left out. Either because I forgot, or thought it wouldn't matter. But, it's whatever. 

I just don't know what to say, I'm completely out of words. 

~Erica. 

June 27, 2014. 

I can't handle this.

I miss you. 

I really miss you. 

I really fucking miss you. 

 

How could you do this to me? You know I can't handle it. & you know I'm beyond depressed now. But, I'm pretty sure you don't know what mean when I say I've gotten depressed. Because I promised you I wouldn't cut anymore, but I broke that promise. Just like how you broke your promise that you'd never leave me. But you did.. I still can't believe it. Because in a way it doesn't feel like you're gone. That there's still a part of me that has it that you're still with me. But, you let me go. You fucking let me go. What is wrong with you? You knew that would destroy me. But you did it anyways. You knew I wouldn't be able to handle it. Fuck, I was balling my eyes out on the phone the whole time we were on the phone. Didn't that tell you anything? That your words were hurting me. I know you, you tried so hard not to care. & I'll give you props, you made it believeable for a little bit. Until I remember who you are, you always care. You always will. No matter how bad you try not too. But you pulled off a good act, congratulations. I'm so fucking proud of you. Ha, that actually explains a lot. Why you wouldn't say anything when you realize how bad I was crying, or heard me crying. Because I know you knew I was, you know me. How couldn't you know.  You knew right that second that I was broken. That my heart was in a million pieces on the ground right beneath me. But, you didn't care right? Ha, what a joke. You really know how to put up an act. But you cared, we all know that. You wouldn't say a word. You stayed quit, you felt like shit. You knew you were hurting me. & you will do. But you think this is for the "best." Literally two minutes before we got off the phone, you were getting upset. You were hurting yourself, you just didn't want to believe it. You're voice was so soft, like you didn't want to be heard. The moment you said, "I'll talk to you soon." I could barely hear you, it was like a whisper. Voice so quite & soft. That's when I realized you were hurting too. Before that, you were saying you might be making the biggest mistake of your life, losing the best thing you could ever have. Why would you say all that to me? Just why?! Were you trying to get to something? You kept saying you might regret doing this, but do you really believe that? 

You're so fucking stupid. But I love you. 

You're a complete asshole at times, but I still love you the same. 

You can treat me like shit, & my feelings stil don't change for you. 

Do you not realize how much I fucking love you? Because I highly doubt you do. 

God damn it, I hate how much I love you at times. Because I know it's just hurting me more. 

You're so fucking blind. 

OPEN YOUR DAMN EYES. Please. 

~Erica. 

June 26, 2014. 

I just wasn't good enough..

I hate this. 

I fucking hate this. 

I just can't take this anymore.. 

It's gotten too bad, too fast.. & I can't stop it. 

I don't know what to do.. I'm so depressed. I don't even have a current feeling anymore. I'm just... Numb. I can't feel a thing, & that could be a good thing. But for right now, it's not. I've been cutting, just to make sure I'm still alive. To make sure I can still feel.. & sadly, I can. To be honest, I don't want to feel anymore. I don't even want to be here anymore. I've thought about suicide so many times in just the last three days.. & I'll be completely honest, I'm thinking about it again, right now. 

I just can't take the pain anymore, you have no idea how much this fucking hurts. 

How much I'm fucking in love with you. You just have no idea, do you? 

I guess not. Since you've, "let me go." I can't handle this, & you know it. Not talking you, sucks. Not seeing, just sucks even worse. & you know what's funny, I'm still wanting for you to text me & tell me you've made a mistake.. I'm still waiting for you to miss me.. I guess I just wasn't good enough for you, which hurts like a bitch. Since that's all I've ever wanted to be for you.. Well, I'm sorry. I'm just me.. 

I'm sorry I wasn't good enough.. 

~Erica.. 

June 25th, 2014. 

Living Hell.

Just fucking great. 

Well.. My life is officially a living hell.🔫 The guy I'm completely in love with, let me go. He called me & explained the reason, & he just does trust me. Which sucks so fucking bad. We were on the phone for an hour an a half. & I was crying the whole time.. It just hurts knowing I lost the guy I love.. The last words he said was, "I'll talk to you soon." & I said, "Not soon enough.." & he said, "Well.. Bye.." & I said, "Bye.." With tears pouring down my face. Right when the phone hung up, I lost it. I went in side & the first thing I did was grab a blade.. I wanted to end my life right that second. But it got to the point where I just feel numb, I have no emotions anymore. I cut last night so many times, just to make sure I could still feel & to make sure I was still alive.. Even when I didn't want to be. Today I feel like complete shit... I am numb. 

~OneDepressedBitch.🔫 

June 25th, 2014. 

One Whole Year.♡

Today's June 15th.. & I don't even have to explain why I said that. I just can't believe it's been a whole year, damn haha. But anyways, I seriously miss you so much. You have no idea.. You haven't left my mind once. I'm always thinking about you.. OhMyGosh.. I'm going to start crying.. I miss you more than anything. I know you're only gone for two weeks, but it feels like so much longer because I can't talk you.. & you have no idea how bad that sucks. Cause I have so much I need to talk to you about, & just so much I have to tell you. Nothing bad, of course. Haha. But still, when you come back I'm just hoping everything is the same. Well, maybe not exactly the same. For some reasons, but I'm not explaining that on here.. But, I just wish you were here. I miss you so much.. I've literally cried because of it, I keep telling myself that you'll be back & thinking positive so I don't cry.. It's only worked a few times. I just hope you're having a fun time in Peru! & I'll see you when you come back, hopefully.♡ 

I love you Eduardo, don't forget that.♡

~AGirlWhoMissesTheGuySheLoves..

June 15, 2014. 

A whole year.♡ 

I Can't Do This Anymore..

I feel like you're gone. & your not coming back this time.. I need you more than anything right now. But, I know you're hurt. It makes since now. All of this. Why you bring it up everyday. It's because it's still hurting you. I'm so sorry... I was stupid & didn't know what I was doing. Or getting myself into. 

The fact that you're not even talking to me or even looking at me on the bus is killing me. I just wanna talk to you. I can't lose you.. But, I think I already have.. I just wanna cry right now. The tears are forming in my eyes but I'm trying to hard not to let them fall.. But, I know sometime today they are. & I'm not going to be able to stop them.. They are just going to start running down my face.. I just can't do this. I need you in my life. I just need you back.. You don't understand no one understands. You mean everything to me. & just watching you put your head down & not say a single word to me, hurts. More than anything.. I can literally feel my eyes hurting & burning. Because I wore them out crying too much yesterday.. It got to the point to where I thought I wouldn't be able to cry anymore. Because of how much I did last night. I just wish you'd understand. & I hope you'll let me tal to you later. Because I can't lose you. I just can't.. If I lose you, I wouldn't know what to do. My mind would go crazy. Like it is right now, but worse. Holding back the tears is getting worse. All I know is, if you don't talk to me at all today.. I'll know I've lost you this time.. & right then & there tears will be rushing down my face.. 

I just can't do this anymore. I need you back. If I can't talk to you & explain everything to you later. I don't know what I'm going to do.. They would just turn into words unspoken.. That are bottled up in my head wanting to come outta my mouth.. 

~Neaveh Raine.. 

February 25th, 2014. 

Please, Just Listen.

I can't take this.. I feel like I've lost you. & that's the one thing I cat handle. Is losing the one I love completely. I just can't take it anymore. All day I've been trying my hardest not to cry. I've been holding back so much. It's not funny. Everytime I see him I start tearing up to the point where I have to go into the bathroom because I know I'm face is red & I don't want people seeing me cry. I have been doing so good. I can't break now. I just can't. But, I'm so close too. Just typing all this is making me tear up. I just can't handle even the thought of losing him.. 

I'm just hoping everything I'm thinking right now, & worrying about is all false. That I'm not losing him & that he's not going to pick her... I'm so scared right now it's not even a joke. At this point I just want to go up to him & hug him. I just need a hug. I just need to know everything is going to be okay... 

No. I need to talk to you. I can't lose you. I need to talk to you, face to face. Not over the phone of anything. I'm just scared & have a lot on my mind. I just need to you listen. That's all. For you to let me express everything I have been bottling up all weekend & today. Just let it all out. & for you to just listen & think about what I'm saying. & then when I am all done, I don't even care if I'm already crying, for you to say everything back what is in your head. The truth. Not even 1% of a lie. 100% truth. That's all I need to do today. & I'm hoping I get the chance to do that today. 

~Nevaeh Raine. 

February 24th, 2014.