Wild mind..

Damn, I haven't wrote in this in forever.. I guess it's because my mind has been too crazy just to think about one thing to write about.

Today, I wrote in my journal for the first time since I think November? & I couldn't stay on one topic. I wrote three pages, & each of them weren't about one thing. They were about multiple things..

I don't know what got over me, I started writing about something & then it just led to another & then another. That's honestly what happens every time I begin to write. I hate it, but it happens.

 But lately, my mind has been going crazy. There's a different thought running through my head every minute.. Some good, & some bad.

I stay up every night until around two or three in the morning. Last night, I didn't go to bed until five, when I had to be up around six.. I stayed up all night over thinking & just wanting to cry. But I didn't, I held it all in..

Which at this point, I don't know if that's a good or bad thing anymore.

Dear me,

What the hell is wrong with you?

Do you not see what you have been putting yourself through?

You're just making it worse for yourself, are you fucking stupid?

You're so fucking pathetic. You're worthless. Why are you still here? Do you like fucking everything up? Look around, look at everything you have done. It's all your fault, every little damn thing.

You're suck a damn fuck up. You can't do anything right. You have deserved everything that has happened to you.

You're so depressed. You think about killing yourself everyday, but you never do it. Damn, you're fucking weak.

Just fucking kill yourself already, you will be doing so many people a favor.

Come on, pick up that razor. Swallow that hand full of pills, you'll slowly start to fade away. It's okay, stop being so fucking weak. You know you want to do it, so why not now. No one will miss you, I bet no now will even care.

You don't fucking matter to them. It's hilarious how you think they care about you, you're so damn clueless. If only you knew you much they all hate you.

Ha, just fucking kill yourself.

Why the hell do I care so much?

I just don't get it.

For over a damn year all I got was played & used. & I still fucking care about him, I care what he is doing. I still hate it when he hangs out with her. It still makes my heart drop & eyes fill with tears when I hear that they are hanging out or that they did something.

I went over a year dealing with this shit. He clams that he "loves" me. Bullshit, if he truly loves me then he wouldn't have done all the shit he did, & continued to do it.

All I asked from him was one damn thing, & that was to stop everything with fucking her. But nope, that's too hard to do. If he does that then the world would end. Holy shit, it wasn't that damn hard to just stop talking to her, but I guess it is.

Man, fuck this. Just thinking about all of this makes me realize why I am moving on, & going for someone a whole lot better. Fuck him, & his bullshit.

I don't even know why I care anymore. He never did, so why should I.

Soon..

Soon, I will be able to look at him & not think of you. I will be able to hug him & realize it is not you hugging me anymore. I will get used to kissing him instead of you. I will get used to his touch, & forget about yours. 

It is going to be hard, & it is going to take time. But in the end, I know it will be worth it. 

I hope it will be worth it.

I am scared..

This is hard, getting comfortable with a total new, different person. 

I forgot how shy I am. 

& I hate it. 

I wish I wouldn't have to get comfortable with someone new, but I have no other choice. 

This was my decision, & I am going to do what I need to do. Yes, this is hard. But it will be worth it, I know it. 

I am just scared all he wants is one thing, I know he doesn't. He's not that type of person, I am just scared that I am wrong. 

Yes, I have major trust issues now from my last relationship. But I will try not to let that effect this one. 

This is going to be hard, but not impossible.  

Goodbye.

You think I am going to chase after you, well I am not. 

You want to walk out of my life, I'll help & hold the damn door for you. 

I am not going to chase after someone who willingly descided to leave. & then call me a whore, I didn't do shit to you. I am sorry that I was your best friend, that I was there for you whenever the hell you needed me. I am sorry, it won't happen again. My mistake. 

But I do feel bad for you, I'll admit. You're literary letting yourself get walked over. You're more than likely not even realizing it, but you are. You're not speaking for yourself anymore, it's all coming from your little friend. She talks for you, she tells you want to say, what to do. What to text. You're like her little rag doll. 

But it doesn't matter right, as long as she's telling you what to do you'll be fine. 

Have fun losing people, & when you realized what she's doing to you & all of the people you've lost because of her. Remember those people are already gone. Because of you. 

Have a wonderful life, goodbye. 

I actually did it.

Well, I did it. 

I didn't want too, but I needed too. 

It took every strength I had to walk out of thar door & not turn around. I wanted too, but I felt like it was time for me to go.

So, I did. 

I am sorry for making you cry, I am sorry that I left you balling your eyes out. I am sorry I pushed you away when you kissed me. I am sorry for crying & getting make up on your shoulder. I am sorry for leaving without saying goodbye, I am sorry for leaving you when I knew you needed me.. 

I am sorry I had to let you go.