Always lied too..

I am tired of getting lied too, why is it so hard for people to just tell me the truth? I honestly don't understand. 

You know, I just want you to stop lying to me. I want you to stop doing everything you've been doing, I just want you to only want me. To only kiss & do stuff with me. But I guess that's why to much to ask for.. I never knew it was so hard for someone to be with me.. But it can never be just me, can it? There always has to be another person in all of my relationships. But I honestly thought this time was going to be different. I actually thought you were done lying to me & doing what you've been doing in the past. I actually believed you changed.. But you fooled me, you fooled me so damn good. You haven't stopped, & you never will. You will never stop doing that shit just to be with me. Because I guess I don't mean all that much to you anyways. Since you can just continue doing all of that to me. 

Honestly, what did I do? I know I have fucked up in the past. & I tried to prove you wrong. But still managed to fuck it up. But even before I fucked it up, you were lying to me. So I don't understand why you got so mad at me when you've been doing way worse for way longer. I just don't understand. But like always, this is probably just my fault. I am the cause for everything. 

I don't know what to say anymore, I am already crying. So it just doesn't matter. 

Couples everywhere..

Lately, I have been really depressed.. & I don't understand the reason why. I think I do, but I really don't. 

My best friend is beyond happy now because she's with her old boyfriend that she fall in love with. & I am honestly really happy for them both. I wanted them to get back together before they even broke up. They make each other happy, & that's enough to make me happy. Seeing my best friend smiling & knowing it's not fake. 

& then there's me.. Depressed & alone. 

I honestly see couples everywhere I go, it's like I can't get away from them. & it makes me sad knowing I don't have someone.. Especially when I know who I want, but I can't have them. It just makes me depressed knowing that we can't be together when we both want to be. & it doesn't help that whenever I am with Lorgia & Devin I just feel alone.. Like I have no one. That's why I always want Eduardo to be with me when I am with them, because I just get sad when he's not. Wishing that he was there with me. So we could be doing all of the cute couple things that their doing, even if we're not a couple.. 

Yesterday, I was with Devin, Lorgia, Acelynn & Shawn. I was the "fifth wheel" & it honestly made me upset that I was alone while my two best friends had someone.. But I tried my best not to show it. & then when Shawn & Ace left it was just me, Lorgia & Devin like usual. & it got to the point where I asked Devin to take me home. Not just because I was upset, but because I wanted them to have their alone time without me. & Lorgia understood that. 

I just couldn't stand being alone..

Afraid..

Well it's all happening all over again, my best friend is making me choose. Her or him..

A few months ago my old best friend of almost two years made me choose. & I just couldn't, I couldn't choose between my best friend & the love of my life. & the fact that she was making me choose was horrible. & the hardest thing I could have ever done..

& now, the same thing is happening again.. My best friend that I live with is making me choose.. I can't lose her, & I can't lose him either. Me & him already talked about this, but it's just I am scared to do that.. & last night when she asked me, she wouldn't even let me answer her question. She said, "Well for now on I am going to start being distant with you, & tonight I am sleeping on the couch." & then she walked out of the room & I began balling my eyes out...

I can't do this, I can't lose any more people.. Especially my two best friends..

I just can't.. & if I have to do it to save my friendship with her, then I guess I am going to have to do what me & him talked about yesterday.. Which is going to suck since I already don't get to see him.. & I really don't see how it is going to work..

I don't see how anything is going to work..

I am just scared.. I am afraid.

Revolution.

New Year revolution; don't fuck up.

On New Years Eduardo came up stairs, I was high so I was just trying to act normal because I know he hates it. He was just hanging out with us, & he says to me, "I swear Erica, if you fuck up one more time I will leave you." He said something else after that, but I don't remember what it was. & the look on his face when he told me that just said it all. He was being dead serious, & that made me scared & realize stuff.

It made me scared because I can't lose him, I love him too much to even think about losing him & not crying. He's my everything.. & I hate how I have hurt him in the past, it still gets to me today.. If I could  go back & fix all of the fucked up shit I have done in the past, I would. & he knows that. It's just I am not going to fuck up again. I can't lose him...

It made me realize how much I've hurt him, & how much he has forgave me.. & I am so thankful to still have him in my life. Even after everything I have put him through, he is still standing right by my side. & I couldn't thank him enough for that..

Eduardo seriously means so much to me. I have never loved someone so much, until him. He's my whole world, my everything. He makes me smile while I am crying. He makes me the happiest girl alive when he kisses me & tells me he loves me. & I can't even explain how much I love him. He knows I am in love with him, & that's good enough for me.

So this year, no more fucking up. I can't lose the love of my life.

Happy New Year.

 Wow, I can't believe is already 2015. So much is happening this year... I am moving in with my best friend, graduating from high school, this year I start my first year of college, I am going to Peru with my best friend & her family. This year I turn eighteen & begin my life. & I am hoping to end it with the love of my life..

At the beginning of this year, I made a deal with myself to keep everything to myself. Instead of telling Eduardo & Lorgia everything, whenever they ask what is wrong I am just going to say, "I am fine" & put a smile on my face. Even if it's a fake smile..

That deal is harder than I honestly thought. I have been getting beyond stressed because of it. Whenever something is bothering me, I just keep it all to myself. Instead of explaining or saying what is wrong, I just smile & pretend I am okay. When in reality, I am beyond broken..

I am just hoping this year end up being as amazing as it should be..

Wild mind..

Damn, I haven't wrote in this in forever.. I guess it's because my mind has been too crazy just to think about one thing to write about.

Today, I wrote in my journal for the first time since I think November? & I couldn't stay on one topic. I wrote three pages, & each of them weren't about one thing. They were about multiple things..

I don't know what got over me, I started writing about something & then it just led to another & then another. That's honestly what happens every time I begin to write. I hate it, but it happens.

 But lately, my mind has been going crazy. There's a different thought running through my head every minute.. Some good, & some bad.

I stay up every night until around two or three in the morning. Last night, I didn't go to bed until five, when I had to be up around six.. I stayed up all night over thinking & just wanting to cry. But I didn't, I held it all in..

Which at this point, I don't know if that's a good or bad thing anymore.

Dear me,

What the hell is wrong with you?

Do you not see what you have been putting yourself through?

You're just making it worse for yourself, are you fucking stupid?

You're so fucking pathetic. You're worthless. Why are you still here? Do you like fucking everything up? Look around, look at everything you have done. It's all your fault, every little damn thing.

You're suck a damn fuck up. You can't do anything right. You have deserved everything that has happened to you.

You're so depressed. You think about killing yourself everyday, but you never do it. Damn, you're fucking weak.

Just fucking kill yourself already, you will be doing so many people a favor.

Come on, pick up that razor. Swallow that hand full of pills, you'll slowly start to fade away. It's okay, stop being so fucking weak. You know you want to do it, so why not now. No one will miss you, I bet no now will even care.

You don't fucking matter to them. It's hilarious how you think they care about you, you're so damn clueless. If only you knew you much they all hate you.

Ha, just fucking kill yourself.