Want to know something?

I miss how we used to be two years ago. Don't get me wrong, I love how we are now. Just not as much as then. If you know what I mean. I honestly miss waiting for you to come over every day. & you telling me, "I'll be right over after I eat." & if you were taking too long you would explain to me why you were late. &  say you're sorry so many times. You would always tell me how much you hated your uncle because of him always trying to fight with you. & I would try my hardest just to get him off of your mind. I miss waiting for that, "Come outside" text from you. We would hang out everyday after school until nine because of my mom, haha. & on the weekends, you would hang out with your friends. & I would hang out with mine. & sometimes you would text me telling me to come over. & that you want to see me. & if I was getting ready to go somewhere, you would ask me to meet you half way so you could see me for a few minutes. You would just leave your friends to come see me. & I would always feel bad because I thought I was taking you away from your friends. & you would explain to me how they were okay with it because you were happy. I miss walking around base everyday with you, going on randomly adventures with you. Having to call my mom to tell her I was going to be a little late because we got lost, haha. But we both knew we weren't lost, we just wanted to be with each other more. I miss having my bus buddie everyday in the morning & afternoon. I miss getting to know you, even though I know there's stuff we both don't know about each other from our childhood. I miss going over to your house to watch a movie or just to cuddle on the couch. & I remember the first time I meet your mom, we were laying on the couch, & when she walked in I barried my head into your arm thinking she was going to see me. & you telling her, "No one is under here mom." Just to joke around with her. & Zach was there too, & he didn't believe us that we kissed. So he shined the flashlight on us just to see you kiss me. Eduardo, I miss wanting school to end everyday because I knew you were going to come over afterwards. I miss our first kiss, where it wasn't suppose to happen. But it did anyways, & that was the day I realized I had feelings for you. I will never forget that day, because that day is the first day I realized I wanted you in my life for the rest of my life. & I know that probably sounds weird, but it's true.. What I loved about our relationship was we become friends, & then best friends to lovers. & then started dating. We learned almost everything about each other first, & then got into a relationship. We started loving each other before we got together. You know, the first time you told me you loved me, it was one of the happiest day of my life. Knowing the person I loved so much, actually loved me back. & wasn't afraid to tell me. Even if it was over FaceTime because you were in Indiana waiting for your nephew to be born. & I remember when you came back, you lied to me just to surprise me. Having me walk all the way to your house just for me to turn around & see you standing in the middle of the road. I honestly almost started crying because I was so happy. & I could probably go on, but I won't right now. I just wanted you to know, I really miss hanging out with you after school everyday & waiting for that, "Come outside" message from you. Because when I got that message, I knew that was going to be a good day & I was going to fall asleep with a smile on my face. 

Home.

You know what, it's time for me to go home. Time for me to be with my mom again. Because to be completely honest, I really miss my mom. & it's killing me that I don't get to see my baby brother grow up. Like I don't want my baby brother thinking that I am that sister that only comes around once in awhile. I want him to know me when he grows up, & to know that I am his older sister & that I have been with him since birth. & it's killing me not seeing him as much as I want too. & being with mom like I used too be. Plus, the weather is finally starting to get warmer & I can start talking him & the dogs for walks. Playing with him outside, teaching him how to walk & just everything that a little baby needs to learn. I want to be apart of that. Because it will also get me prepared to have a baby of my own when I get older. 

Anyways, because I am getting way off topic I think. I am just ready to go home & be with my family. I miss them, I miss them all so much. & now, I am finally going to be with them again.

 It's my choice & I am choosing to go back home to my family. Where I belong.

Always lied too..

I am tired of getting lied too, why is it so hard for people to just tell me the truth? I honestly don't understand. 

You know, I just want you to stop lying to me. I want you to stop doing everything you've been doing, I just want you to only want me. To only kiss & do stuff with me. But I guess that's why to much to ask for.. I never knew it was so hard for someone to be with me.. But it can never be just me, can it? There always has to be another person in all of my relationships. But I honestly thought this time was going to be different. I actually thought you were done lying to me & doing what you've been doing in the past. I actually believed you changed.. But you fooled me, you fooled me so damn good. You haven't stopped, & you never will. You will never stop doing that shit just to be with me. Because I guess I don't mean all that much to you anyways. Since you can just continue doing all of that to me. 

Honestly, what did I do? I know I have fucked up in the past. & I tried to prove you wrong. But still managed to fuck it up. But even before I fucked it up, you were lying to me. So I don't understand why you got so mad at me when you've been doing way worse for way longer. I just don't understand. But like always, this is probably just my fault. I am the cause for everything. 

I don't know what to say anymore, I am already crying. So it just doesn't matter. 

Couples everywhere..

Lately, I have been really depressed.. & I don't understand the reason why. I think I do, but I really don't. 

My best friend is beyond happy now because she's with her old boyfriend that she fall in love with. & I am honestly really happy for them both. I wanted them to get back together before they even broke up. They make each other happy, & that's enough to make me happy. Seeing my best friend smiling & knowing it's not fake. 

& then there's me.. Depressed & alone. 

I honestly see couples everywhere I go, it's like I can't get away from them. & it makes me sad knowing I don't have someone.. Especially when I know who I want, but I can't have them. It just makes me depressed knowing that we can't be together when we both want to be. & it doesn't help that whenever I am with Lorgia & Devin I just feel alone.. Like I have no one. That's why I always want Eduardo to be with me when I am with them, because I just get sad when he's not. Wishing that he was there with me. So we could be doing all of the cute couple things that their doing, even if we're not a couple.. 

Yesterday, I was with Devin, Lorgia, Acelynn & Shawn. I was the "fifth wheel" & it honestly made me upset that I was alone while my two best friends had someone.. But I tried my best not to show it. & then when Shawn & Ace left it was just me, Lorgia & Devin like usual. & it got to the point where I asked Devin to take me home. Not just because I was upset, but because I wanted them to have their alone time without me. & Lorgia understood that. 

I just couldn't stand being alone..

Afraid..

Well it's all happening all over again, my best friend is making me choose. Her or him..

A few months ago my old best friend of almost two years made me choose. & I just couldn't, I couldn't choose between my best friend & the love of my life. & the fact that she was making me choose was horrible. & the hardest thing I could have ever done..

& now, the same thing is happening again.. My best friend that I live with is making me choose.. I can't lose her, & I can't lose him either. Me & him already talked about this, but it's just I am scared to do that.. & last night when she asked me, she wouldn't even let me answer her question. She said, "Well for now on I am going to start being distant with you, & tonight I am sleeping on the couch." & then she walked out of the room & I began balling my eyes out...

I can't do this, I can't lose any more people.. Especially my two best friends..

I just can't.. & if I have to do it to save my friendship with her, then I guess I am going to have to do what me & him talked about yesterday.. Which is going to suck since I already don't get to see him.. & I really don't see how it is going to work..

I don't see how anything is going to work..

I am just scared.. I am afraid.

Revolution.

New Year revolution; don't fuck up.

On New Years Eduardo came up stairs, I was high so I was just trying to act normal because I know he hates it. He was just hanging out with us, & he says to me, "I swear Erica, if you fuck up one more time I will leave you." He said something else after that, but I don't remember what it was. & the look on his face when he told me that just said it all. He was being dead serious, & that made me scared & realize stuff.

It made me scared because I can't lose him, I love him too much to even think about losing him & not crying. He's my everything.. & I hate how I have hurt him in the past, it still gets to me today.. If I could  go back & fix all of the fucked up shit I have done in the past, I would. & he knows that. It's just I am not going to fuck up again. I can't lose him...

It made me realize how much I've hurt him, & how much he has forgave me.. & I am so thankful to still have him in my life. Even after everything I have put him through, he is still standing right by my side. & I couldn't thank him enough for that..

Eduardo seriously means so much to me. I have never loved someone so much, until him. He's my whole world, my everything. He makes me smile while I am crying. He makes me the happiest girl alive when he kisses me & tells me he loves me. & I can't even explain how much I love him. He knows I am in love with him, & that's good enough for me.

So this year, no more fucking up. I can't lose the love of my life.

Happy New Year.

 Wow, I can't believe is already 2015. So much is happening this year... I am moving in with my best friend, graduating from high school, this year I start my first year of college, I am going to Peru with my best friend & her family. This year I turn eighteen & begin my life. & I am hoping to end it with the love of my life..

At the beginning of this year, I made a deal with myself to keep everything to myself. Instead of telling Eduardo & Lorgia everything, whenever they ask what is wrong I am just going to say, "I am fine" & put a smile on my face. Even if it's a fake smile..

That deal is harder than I honestly thought. I have been getting beyond stressed because of it. Whenever something is bothering me, I just keep it all to myself. Instead of explaining or saying what is wrong, I just smile & pretend I am okay. When in reality, I am beyond broken..

I am just hoping this year end up being as amazing as it should be..