I am sorry..

I am sorry for messaging you after you told me not too.

I am sorry for asking you to hang out after you told me not too. 

I am sorry this is a lot harder for me. 

I am sorry I just wanted to see you for an hour tonight. 

I am sorry I am losing my mind. 

I am sorry for crying so much. 

I am sorry for crying today at the football game. 

I am sorry for crying right now. 

I am sorry I love you so much. 

I am sorry I am missing you terribly.

I am sorry I am not perfect. 

I am sorry I ruined us to cause this. 

I am sorry for always complaining. 

I am sorry I can't let you go.

I am sorry my feelings for you will never change. 

I am sorry I will always be waiting for you to come back to me. 

I am sorry I always want to talk to you. 

I am sorry the thought of you being with someone else kills me. 

I am sorry I will never be able to get over you. 

I am sorry I will always look for you in a crowd. 

I am sorry I fucked up. 

I am sorry I am a fucked up person. 

I am sorry everything is my fault. 

I am sorry you're the only person I want to be with. 

I am sorry you're the only person I want to spend the rest of my life with. 

I am sorry I have so much hope in us. 

I am sorry I will always check my phone to see if your name shows up. 

I am sorry I can't live without you. 

I am sorry I cry everyday. 

I am just so sorry Eduardo.. I can't do this.

I lost you, didn't I?

You're gone.. & I am still here hoping you'll come back. But you're not going to are you? You left me, when you knew I couldn't handle it. You knew I wasn't prepared for it. You knew it would kill me in way you didn't want to think was true. But Eduardo, this is killing me. & I don't know how long I can put on an act until I break & I lose it. I told you I wouldn't cry for three days, I would cry for three months because of this. & I wasn't lying to you.. You're the love of my life, the one I want to be with for the rest of my life. But you don't want me. You don't want to be with me.. & it hurts so damn bad knowing the one person you would do anything for, the one person you want to be with & love so damn much.. Doesn't want to be with you. 

Eduardo, I am so sorry.. I am so sorry for every fucked up thing I have ever done to you. I am so sorry for being the main problem between us. I am so sorry for being a fucked up person. I am so sorry for fucking up so many times. I am so sorry ruining us.. 

How? Can you just answer that question, how? How can you throw away two years just like that. How can you just walk away after everything we've been through. How can you leave me that easily. How can you just give up like that. I just don't understand.. 

Eduardo, I need you. I really fucking need you. Obviously you didn't listen to anything I said that night, because you must not understand how badly I need you. Unless you did listen, & you do know & you just don't care.. But I really don't want to think that because it just makes me cry harder.. & it's already two in the morning. I really should be getting some sleep, but I can't. I can't sleep, & I more than likely won't sleep tonight. I am honestly losing it, I don't know what to do. I am lost.. & I am just going on & on about stupid random stuff that you probably don't even care about hearing. But you won't talk to me, so I don't have anyone to talk to anymore.. I don't have my best friend anymore.. 

I honestly don't know how much longer I can go on like this. I am starting to get beyond depressed, & i don't like it. But I can't stop it either.. I just can't lose you Eduardo, you're everything to me..  You mean the world to me, & I can't let you go. I won't let you go. I don't care how many nights I stay up balling my eyes out, I will never let you go. So if you ever want to come back, just know I'll be waiting.. Because there's no one else I want to spend the rest of my life with other than you. I'll be waiting for you to come back to me Eduardo. & I don't care how long I have to wait. As long as you've came back to me, I know the wait will be worth it. But I will admit, I am scared. No more like terrified that you'll never come back.. That you'll find someone else much better than me, & you'll never come back to me.. I am so deathly afraid of that. 

I guess I should try to stop crying, calm down & get some sleep.. Even though I know it won't work. Eduardo, I just need to see you. Just one more time before I lose you completely.. Just one more time, that's all I ask. That's why I was asking you to answer me earlier, so I could possibly see you again. But you didn't reply.. You just ignored me like I didn't mean anything to you. I just need to see you, not even for that long.. 

I miss you, I miss you so much already. I can't go everyday like this Eduardo.. I am missing you like crazy & it hasn't even been a whole day yet. I love you, I love you so damn much. To where I can promise you I will never stop loving you. You'll always be in my heart, no matter what. I'll always love you.. Like I have said so many times before, that will never change. My love for you is just too strong to ever change & let go. 

Well Eduardo, if you ever want to talk to me. You can always text me, or even call me.. Because you'll know I'll be waiting for that. You know I'll be waiting for your name to pop back up on my phone. I'll be waiting for that day you'll come back to me.. I'll be waiting for a lot of things.. But mainly, I'll be waiting for you. Just know, no matter what time or day it is, you'll always be on my mind. You'll always be that one person I'll always need to talk too. You'll always be my number one. 

I am trying to be strong, I really am. But it's just not working. I can't be strong anymore. I can't do it. I can't do this. I need you Eduardo, I really fucking need you. I can't stop crying. Everytime I think am good, I start crying all over again. I can't do this. I am not strong enough for this. I am not as strong as I used to be.. I am weak. & without you, I am weaker.. I just don't know what to do anymore. You probably won't even read all of this, I don't even know why I try to talk to you. I don't even know why I have been writing this whole thing for the last hour. I just don't know.. I guess I have a lot of hope in me. I have hope in us.. 

Okay, I need to stop for the night. 

I love you Eduardo, I love you so fucking much. I hope you have a good day at school tomorrow & a good soccer practice. I'll try to not blow your phone up this time, but if I lose it, I am sorry.. 

Well, I love you.. Please always remember that. 

Goodnight Eduardo.. 

I miss you..

Ever since yesterday I have been thinking, & I really miss you.. I have been missing you for so long now. & I am honestly tired of missing you! I just want you right next to me, I want to wake up in your arms again. I want to spend all day & night with you again. No, I just want to spend a whole weekend with you again. To where I come over right after school on Friday & don't leave until Sunday night. Where we fall asleep in each others arms once again & wake up the same way. Where we can decide to spend all Saturday just laying in bed & watching Netflix, or go outside on an adventure.
I just can't take how much I miss you..
It hurts, really bad.

Want to know something?

I miss how we used to be two years ago. Don't get me wrong, I love how we are now. Just not as much as then. If you know what I mean. I honestly miss waiting for you to come over every day. & you telling me, "I'll be right over after I eat." & if you were taking too long you would explain to me why you were late. &  say you're sorry so many times. You would always tell me how much you hated your uncle because of him always trying to fight with you. & I would try my hardest just to get him off of your mind. I miss waiting for that, "Come outside" text from you. We would hang out everyday after school until nine because of my mom, haha. & on the weekends, you would hang out with your friends. & I would hang out with mine. & sometimes you would text me telling me to come over. & that you want to see me. & if I was getting ready to go somewhere, you would ask me to meet you half way so you could see me for a few minutes. You would just leave your friends to come see me. & I would always feel bad because I thought I was taking you away from your friends. & you would explain to me how they were okay with it because you were happy. I miss walking around base everyday with you, going on randomly adventures with you. Having to call my mom to tell her I was going to be a little late because we got lost, haha. But we both knew we weren't lost, we just wanted to be with each other more. I miss having my bus buddie everyday in the morning & afternoon. I miss getting to know you, even though I know there's stuff we both don't know about each other from our childhood. I miss going over to your house to watch a movie or just to cuddle on the couch. & I remember the first time I meet your mom, we were laying on the couch, & when she walked in I barried my head into your arm thinking she was going to see me. & you telling her, "No one is under here mom." Just to joke around with her. & Zach was there too, & he didn't believe us that we kissed. So he shined the flashlight on us just to see you kiss me. Eduardo, I miss wanting school to end everyday because I knew you were going to come over afterwards. I miss our first kiss, where it wasn't suppose to happen. But it did anyways, & that was the day I realized I had feelings for you. I will never forget that day, because that day is the first day I realized I wanted you in my life for the rest of my life. & I know that probably sounds weird, but it's true.. What I loved about our relationship was we become friends, & then best friends to lovers. & then started dating. We learned almost everything about each other first, & then got into a relationship. We started loving each other before we got together. You know, the first time you told me you loved me, it was one of the happiest day of my life. Knowing the person I loved so much, actually loved me back. & wasn't afraid to tell me. Even if it was over FaceTime because you were in Indiana waiting for your nephew to be born. & I remember when you came back, you lied to me just to surprise me. Having me walk all the way to your house just for me to turn around & see you standing in the middle of the road. I honestly almost started crying because I was so happy. & I could probably go on, but I won't right now. I just wanted you to know, I really miss hanging out with you after school everyday & waiting for that, "Come outside" message from you. Because when I got that message, I knew that was going to be a good day & I was going to fall asleep with a smile on my face. 

Home.

You know what, it's time for me to go home. Time for me to be with my mom again. Because to be completely honest, I really miss my mom. & it's killing me that I don't get to see my baby brother grow up. Like I don't want my baby brother thinking that I am that sister that only comes around once in awhile. I want him to know me when he grows up, & to know that I am his older sister & that I have been with him since birth. & it's killing me not seeing him as much as I want too. & being with mom like I used too be. Plus, the weather is finally starting to get warmer & I can start talking him & the dogs for walks. Playing with him outside, teaching him how to walk & just everything that a little baby needs to learn. I want to be apart of that. Because it will also get me prepared to have a baby of my own when I get older. 

Anyways, because I am getting way off topic I think. I am just ready to go home & be with my family. I miss them, I miss them all so much. & now, I am finally going to be with them again.

 It's my choice & I am choosing to go back home to my family. Where I belong.

Always lied too..

I am tired of getting lied too, why is it so hard for people to just tell me the truth? I honestly don't understand. 

You know, I just want you to stop lying to me. I want you to stop doing everything you've been doing, I just want you to only want me. To only kiss & do stuff with me. But I guess that's why to much to ask for.. I never knew it was so hard for someone to be with me.. But it can never be just me, can it? There always has to be another person in all of my relationships. But I honestly thought this time was going to be different. I actually thought you were done lying to me & doing what you've been doing in the past. I actually believed you changed.. But you fooled me, you fooled me so damn good. You haven't stopped, & you never will. You will never stop doing that shit just to be with me. Because I guess I don't mean all that much to you anyways. Since you can just continue doing all of that to me. 

Honestly, what did I do? I know I have fucked up in the past. & I tried to prove you wrong. But still managed to fuck it up. But even before I fucked it up, you were lying to me. So I don't understand why you got so mad at me when you've been doing way worse for way longer. I just don't understand. But like always, this is probably just my fault. I am the cause for everything. 

I don't know what to say anymore, I am already crying. So it just doesn't matter. 

Couples everywhere..

Lately, I have been really depressed.. & I don't understand the reason why. I think I do, but I really don't. 

My best friend is beyond happy now because she's with her old boyfriend that she fall in love with. & I am honestly really happy for them both. I wanted them to get back together before they even broke up. They make each other happy, & that's enough to make me happy. Seeing my best friend smiling & knowing it's not fake. 

& then there's me.. Depressed & alone. 

I honestly see couples everywhere I go, it's like I can't get away from them. & it makes me sad knowing I don't have someone.. Especially when I know who I want, but I can't have them. It just makes me depressed knowing that we can't be together when we both want to be. & it doesn't help that whenever I am with Lorgia & Devin I just feel alone.. Like I have no one. That's why I always want Eduardo to be with me when I am with them, because I just get sad when he's not. Wishing that he was there with me. So we could be doing all of the cute couple things that their doing, even if we're not a couple.. 

Yesterday, I was with Devin, Lorgia, Acelynn & Shawn. I was the "fifth wheel" & it honestly made me upset that I was alone while my two best friends had someone.. But I tried my best not to show it. & then when Shawn & Ace left it was just me, Lorgia & Devin like usual. & it got to the point where I asked Devin to take me home. Not just because I was upset, but because I wanted them to have their alone time without me. & Lorgia understood that. 

I just couldn't stand being alone..