Fuck it.

I have noting to say, once again..

My mind is blank. 

You know, I miss falling asleep with a smile in my face & waking up the same way. I miss knowing I was the reason for your smile.. Fuck. I just really miss you. You're the only thing on my mind 24/7. 

Eh, fuck it. 

What I have to say doesn't matter anymore. Never did, never will. 

Won't change anything in the end, so fuck it. 

I want to be numb..

Honestly, I have nothing to say. 

Actually, more like speechless... 

Are you happy you hurt me? 

Does it help you sleep better at night knowing I am in pain & trying not to cry myself to sleep like the other nights. 

You know, I haven't been able to sleep good sense the last time we spoke...

Your voice keeps replaying in my head.. 

The memory of you, doesn't leave my lonely mind. Crawling with thoughts of me & you.. 

I don't know what to do.. 

My whole body... Numb. 

To be honest, I don't want to feel anymore... 

I am in too much pain.. No one understands how I am feeling...

I want to die... 

I am not as strong as I used to be... 

My heart, is broken. Into a million little pieces.. 

But you don't care.

You're going with your life... 

Not worrying about mine... 

I Just Don't Know..

Things I have to say; 

I don't know.. 

Sorry...

I FUCKING LOVE YOU.

Can you not see how much I love you? How much you mean to me? How much I just wish I could call you mine, again? 

I guess not.. 

Well, you know what. I don't even know what to do anymore, I don't even know what to say anymore either. The only thing I know I can say, is "I love you." Because I do, so fucking much. & I guess no one will even understand, so whatever. 

Strangers..?

You know, I hate this. I really fucking hate this. 

I feel like we're strangers.. I hate it. I don't want to be strangers. But everytime I see you out in public, it's like I don't know you. We talk, but not like we used too. I would go up to you & say something, but I feel like you don't want to talk to me. I feel weird.. I want to just go up to you & hug you. Kiss you maybe. But I can't.. You're not mine.. & I hate it. I wish you were. But, you're not.. & it sucks so bad. Anyways, I wish we were how we are at your house, but in public. If you understand what I mean.. Like, when we are at your house, how we are. It's like we're dating. I love it. You kiss me, play around with me, I can by myself when in around you at your house, it's amazing. But when we're in public, it's a total different story.. It's like I don't exist to you. Like you just look right past me, yeah you say, "hey" or "hi" but it's not the same. I wish you'd put the same effort in how you do at your house but around other people too. Yeah, that kinda confused me. But whatever.. 

Anyways, I just hate how we act like strangers around other people.. It makes me feel like I'm just not good enough for you anymore.. I literally go home & just want to cry.. I do sometimes.. But, still. I hate this, I just want to be yours. I want to be happy, because even if I see you at the beach or something. I'll literally just go right up to you, kiss you. & I will be all good, because I'll know that you're mine. & I am yours. You won't cheat on me, & I won't cheat on you. Honestly, life would be amazing. I would be so fuckkng happy. & I hope you would be too. But, right now. We are just a thing.. & I'm not going to complain. Because I would rather be a thing than nothing at all. 

Ugh, I don't even know anymore. I just wish we were together. I miss you so much. You're seriously my everything, the first thing I think of when in the morning. & the last thing I think about right before I go to bed. I love you with literally every piece of my heart, believe it or not. 

I don't know what to say anymore.. I'm trying so hard not to cry right now, but I'm not going to lie. A few tears have fallen down my face tonight.. I just don't know anymore... I'm just over thinking too much.. Ughhh. I don't know, whatever.. 

Erica.. 

July 5th, 2014. 

Freaking out..

I'm so scared for later on.. We're finally going to talk. Shit. What do I say? What if I cry? What if you actully let me go....? What am I going to do..

It's going to hurt. 

I'm just not going to be able to handle it.. 

I'm in love with you, how could I let things get this bad? Am I seriously that fucking stupid? I guess so. I'm just praying later, when we talk, goes good. That I won't lose you. That maybe, just maybe, this will be the start of something new with us. & a good new start, not bad. 

I'm just so scared. You have no idea. 

If you actully let me go this time, I'm going to lose it. I'm just not going to be able to do anything. 

I'm going to get depressed, I know it.. It's going to hit me so hard.. 

But, like I've been saying & doing. I'll just go numb.. To where I can't feel anything. Maybe that's the better choice if this all goes horrible.. Because it's going to hurt, so bad. Like a just got stabbed repeatedly in the back.. 

I just can't handle losing you.. 

~Erica.. 

June 30, 2014. 

Out of words.

It's 1:58 a.m. 

You're the only thing that has crossed my mind all night. 

I can't sleep. & maybe it's because I'm thinking about you. Yeah, probably. 

It's just, nevermind. My words obviously don't matter. So why say anything? You obviously don't listen. So why bother? I've literally said 95% of everything I wanted to say to you in this past year of 'us.' I said 95% because I know there's stuff I have left out. Either because I forgot, or thought it wouldn't matter. But, it's whatever. 

I just don't know what to say, I'm completely out of words. 

~Erica. 

June 27, 2014.