Well shit

I need to stop looking at all my old blogs. 

It just hurts too much sometimes, I don't really understand why but I just know it does. I always want to start writing again, I've honestly thought about getting another journal or just start blogging again. But for some reason I stop myself every time I think about it. I am pretty sure I think my way out of it. I just don't know what I will write, like I can lay in bed all day & over think every little damn thing in my life at that time.  & then I think about writing like I used too when that happened, but once that paper, lap top or phone is in front of me I freeze & don't know what to say. I don't know how to put the thoughts in my head on a piece of paper. & even when I do, I don't know how to start it. I honestly think that's why my anxiety is so bad at times. Because I always keep everything to myself, I don't really tell people what is wrong with me. If someone asks my response is always either, "Nothing" or "I am fine, don't worry." & even when I go to tell that one person what is actually wrong, I sit there for a few minutes trying to get the thoughts in my head to become words out of my mouth. It's honestly so hard at times. & that's why I am pretty sure my anxiety gets so bad, because I keep everything to myself. So everything is just building up in my mind. It gets too much to handle at times, but I guess there's nothing I can really do about it. 

Another writing I didn't finish

Holy shit do I miss you.. But it's okay, you're in Peru with your family having a great time! It just sucks that I won't get to see you until you get back on January 8th.. This is seriously so hard for me. But I am trying to make the best of it because I know you don't want me to be upset the whole time you're gone. It's just the day after you left a lot of stuff happened, which you know what it is. But I still haven't gotten to talk to you about all of that yet.. Which seriously just sucks because I don't know what is going on between us. I have been hearing so many different things since the day you left, & I don't know what not to believe & what to believe.. That's why I just need to talk to you & figure out all of this stuff. But if I can't talk to you until you get back from Peru then that's okay! Just as long as we talk, & I mean actually talk.. Not where we hang out & get distracted with other stuff & forget to talk. I actually want to sit down &  talk to you about all of this stuff & figure out what is going on not just between us, but also figure out what is going on with you. But until you get back & I am going to try my hardest to not be upset or cry. It's just really hard at times because I am always around couples & it just makes me miss you even more.. Or even when someone mentions something about you or just says your name to me, it makes my heart beat faster & tears fill in my eyes. Or even yesterday when we were at Lillian's cheer comp, I was surrounded by couples. Especially on the way home when I was driving & Roxanne & Don were laying in the way back & Travis & Lillian were together in the back seats. & I would look over to the passenger seat & just wish you were sitting there talking to me & making me laugh & smile, instead of forcing myself not to cry wishing you were sitting next to me.. It made me miss you so much. Or even when I have something I only want to tell you, or when something happens & you're the only one that would understand why I got excited over it & you would just look at me, call me stupid & just laugh & hug me then kiss my forehead.. I really miss your forehead kisses when you hug me.. 

Yesterday

I really don't know how to start any of these anymore. I used to know exactly what I wanted to write before I was even logged in. But now, I have no clue. I have no much going through my head, I just can't think straight. I have been so damn stressed, & depressed. & my anxiety has been getting worse & worse every day that passes without him. I just don't know how much longer I can go around like this. I feel like I am losing my mind, like I don't know what I am doing anymore. I just feel really lost without him. 

I wish I could go back to yesterday, when we were both happy. I've missed you, I really have. I've missed that smile. That smile that you have when you're with me. That smile that you have when I catch you starring at me. That smile you have after you kiss me & we're both just looking into each others eyes. That smile you get just by being with me. That smile I love so damn much. 

Yesterday was amazing. We were hanging out, just being us. We were both smiling & just plain happy. & then I had to go, you watched me out to the truck & you told me you would see me tomorrow. I asked for a hug before I left & I just couldn't stop smiling. We were so happy. Then, you kissed me. You kissed me so many damn times, gosh I have missed your lips on mine. & I just looked up at you & we both smiled. I swear I fell in love with you all over again at that every second. I was so happy I could have cried.

You told me you missed me, & you had a lot to think about. & that was okay. You told me you missed me & I just looked at you & smiled while I went to kiss you. & told you, "We will talk about it tomorrow & I'll give you tonight to think." You smiled & kissed me back. I left your house knowing we were both happy. I honestly couldn't stop smiling. 

I still can't stop smiling. 

I love you, I know I haven't told you that in awhile. But I do, I will always love you.   

I am sorry..

I am sorry for messaging you after you told me not too.

I am sorry for asking you to hang out after you told me not too. 

I am sorry this is a lot harder for me. 

I am sorry I just wanted to see you for an hour tonight. 

I am sorry I am losing my mind. 

I am sorry for crying so much. 

I am sorry for crying today at the football game. 

I am sorry for crying right now. 

I am sorry I love you so much. 

I am sorry I am missing you terribly.

I am sorry I am not perfect. 

I am sorry I ruined us to cause this. 

I am sorry for always complaining. 

I am sorry I can't let you go.

I am sorry my feelings for you will never change. 

I am sorry I will always be waiting for you to come back to me. 

I am sorry I always want to talk to you. 

I am sorry the thought of you being with someone else kills me. 

I am sorry I will never be able to get over you. 

I am sorry I will always look for you in a crowd. 

I am sorry I fucked up. 

I am sorry I am a fucked up person. 

I am sorry everything is my fault. 

I am sorry you're the only person I want to be with. 

I am sorry you're the only person I want to spend the rest of my life with. 

I am sorry I have so much hope in us. 

I am sorry I will always check my phone to see if your name shows up. 

I am sorry I can't live without you. 

I am sorry I cry everyday. 

I am just so sorry Eduardo.. I can't do this.

I lost you, didn't I?

You're gone.. & I am still here hoping you'll come back. But you're not going to are you? You left me, when you knew I couldn't handle it. You knew I wasn't prepared for it. You knew it would kill me in way you didn't want to think was true. But Eduardo, this is killing me. & I don't know how long I can put on an act until I break & I lose it. I told you I wouldn't cry for three days, I would cry for three months because of this. & I wasn't lying to you.. You're the love of my life, the one I want to be with for the rest of my life. But you don't want me. You don't want to be with me.. & it hurts so damn bad knowing the one person you would do anything for, the one person you want to be with & love so damn much.. Doesn't want to be with you. 

Eduardo, I am so sorry.. I am so sorry for every fucked up thing I have ever done to you. I am so sorry for being the main problem between us. I am so sorry for being a fucked up person. I am so sorry for fucking up so many times. I am so sorry ruining us.. 

How? Can you just answer that question, how? How can you throw away two years just like that. How can you just walk away after everything we've been through. How can you leave me that easily. How can you just give up like that. I just don't understand.. 

Eduardo, I need you. I really fucking need you. Obviously you didn't listen to anything I said that night, because you must not understand how badly I need you. Unless you did listen, & you do know & you just don't care.. But I really don't want to think that because it just makes me cry harder.. & it's already two in the morning. I really should be getting some sleep, but I can't. I can't sleep, & I more than likely won't sleep tonight. I am honestly losing it, I don't know what to do. I am lost.. & I am just going on & on about stupid random stuff that you probably don't even care about hearing. But you won't talk to me, so I don't have anyone to talk to anymore.. I don't have my best friend anymore.. 

I honestly don't know how much longer I can go on like this. I am starting to get beyond depressed, & i don't like it. But I can't stop it either.. I just can't lose you Eduardo, you're everything to me..  You mean the world to me, & I can't let you go. I won't let you go. I don't care how many nights I stay up balling my eyes out, I will never let you go. So if you ever want to come back, just know I'll be waiting.. Because there's no one else I want to spend the rest of my life with other than you. I'll be waiting for you to come back to me Eduardo. & I don't care how long I have to wait. As long as you've came back to me, I know the wait will be worth it. But I will admit, I am scared. No more like terrified that you'll never come back.. That you'll find someone else much better than me, & you'll never come back to me.. I am so deathly afraid of that. 

I guess I should try to stop crying, calm down & get some sleep.. Even though I know it won't work. Eduardo, I just need to see you. Just one more time before I lose you completely.. Just one more time, that's all I ask. That's why I was asking you to answer me earlier, so I could possibly see you again. But you didn't reply.. You just ignored me like I didn't mean anything to you. I just need to see you, not even for that long.. 

I miss you, I miss you so much already. I can't go everyday like this Eduardo.. I am missing you like crazy & it hasn't even been a whole day yet. I love you, I love you so damn much. To where I can promise you I will never stop loving you. You'll always be in my heart, no matter what. I'll always love you.. Like I have said so many times before, that will never change. My love for you is just too strong to ever change & let go. 

Well Eduardo, if you ever want to talk to me. You can always text me, or even call me.. Because you'll know I'll be waiting for that. You know I'll be waiting for your name to pop back up on my phone. I'll be waiting for that day you'll come back to me.. I'll be waiting for a lot of things.. But mainly, I'll be waiting for you. Just know, no matter what time or day it is, you'll always be on my mind. You'll always be that one person I'll always need to talk too. You'll always be my number one. 

I am trying to be strong, I really am. But it's just not working. I can't be strong anymore. I can't do it. I can't do this. I need you Eduardo, I really fucking need you. I can't stop crying. Everytime I think am good, I start crying all over again. I can't do this. I am not strong enough for this. I am not as strong as I used to be.. I am weak. & without you, I am weaker.. I just don't know what to do anymore. You probably won't even read all of this, I don't even know why I try to talk to you. I don't even know why I have been writing this whole thing for the last hour. I just don't know.. I guess I have a lot of hope in me. I have hope in us.. 

Okay, I need to stop for the night. 

I love you Eduardo, I love you so fucking much. I hope you have a good day at school tomorrow & a good soccer practice. I'll try to not blow your phone up this time, but if I lose it, I am sorry.. 

Well, I love you.. Please always remember that. 

Goodnight Eduardo.. 

I miss you..

Ever since yesterday I have been thinking, & I really miss you.. I have been missing you for so long now. & I am honestly tired of missing you! I just want you right next to me, I want to wake up in your arms again. I want to spend all day & night with you again. No, I just want to spend a whole weekend with you again. To where I come over right after school on Friday & don't leave until Sunday night. Where we fall asleep in each others arms once again & wake up the same way. Where we can decide to spend all Saturday just laying in bed & watching Netflix, or go outside on an adventure.
I just can't take how much I miss you..
It hurts, really bad.

Want to know something?

I miss how we used to be two years ago. Don't get me wrong, I love how we are now. Just not as much as then. If you know what I mean. I honestly miss waiting for you to come over every day. & you telling me, "I'll be right over after I eat." & if you were taking too long you would explain to me why you were late. &  say you're sorry so many times. You would always tell me how much you hated your uncle because of him always trying to fight with you. & I would try my hardest just to get him off of your mind. I miss waiting for that, "Come outside" text from you. We would hang out everyday after school until nine because of my mom, haha. & on the weekends, you would hang out with your friends. & I would hang out with mine. & sometimes you would text me telling me to come over. & that you want to see me. & if I was getting ready to go somewhere, you would ask me to meet you half way so you could see me for a few minutes. You would just leave your friends to come see me. & I would always feel bad because I thought I was taking you away from your friends. & you would explain to me how they were okay with it because you were happy. I miss walking around base everyday with you, going on randomly adventures with you. Having to call my mom to tell her I was going to be a little late because we got lost, haha. But we both knew we weren't lost, we just wanted to be with each other more. I miss having my bus buddie everyday in the morning & afternoon. I miss getting to know you, even though I know there's stuff we both don't know about each other from our childhood. I miss going over to your house to watch a movie or just to cuddle on the couch. & I remember the first time I meet your mom, we were laying on the couch, & when she walked in I barried my head into your arm thinking she was going to see me. & you telling her, "No one is under here mom." Just to joke around with her. & Zach was there too, & he didn't believe us that we kissed. So he shined the flashlight on us just to see you kiss me. Eduardo, I miss wanting school to end everyday because I knew you were going to come over afterwards. I miss our first kiss, where it wasn't suppose to happen. But it did anyways, & that was the day I realized I had feelings for you. I will never forget that day, because that day is the first day I realized I wanted you in my life for the rest of my life. & I know that probably sounds weird, but it's true.. What I loved about our relationship was we become friends, & then best friends to lovers. & then started dating. We learned almost everything about each other first, & then got into a relationship. We started loving each other before we got together. You know, the first time you told me you loved me, it was one of the happiest day of my life. Knowing the person I loved so much, actually loved me back. & wasn't afraid to tell me. Even if it was over FaceTime because you were in Indiana waiting for your nephew to be born. & I remember when you came back, you lied to me just to surprise me. Having me walk all the way to your house just for me to turn around & see you standing in the middle of the road. I honestly almost started crying because I was so happy. & I could probably go on, but I won't right now. I just wanted you to know, I really miss hanging out with you after school everyday & waiting for that, "Come outside" message from you. Because when I got that message, I knew that was going to be a good day & I was going to fall asleep with a smile on my face.