Yesterday

I really don't know how to start any of these anymore. I used to know exactly what I wanted to write before I was even logged in. But now, I have no clue. I have no much going through my head, I just can't think straight. I have been so damn stressed, & depressed. & my anxiety has been getting worse & worse every day that passes without him. I just don't know how much longer I can go around like this. I feel like I am losing my mind, like I don't know what I am doing anymore. I just feel really lost without him. 

I wish I could go back to yesterday, when we were both happy. I've missed you, I really have. I've missed that smile. That smile that you have when you're with me. That smile that you have when I catch you starring at me. That smile you have after you kiss me & we're both just looking into each others eyes. That smile you get just by being with me. That smile I love so damn much. 

Yesterday was amazing. We were hanging out, just being us. We were both smiling & just plain happy. & then I had to go, you watched me out to the truck & you told me you would see me tomorrow. I asked for a hug before I left & I just couldn't stop smiling. We were so happy. Then, you kissed me. You kissed me so many damn times, gosh I have missed your lips on mine. & I just looked up at you & we both smiled. I swear I fell in love with you all over again at that every second. I was so happy I could have cried.

You told me you missed me, & you had a lot to think about. & that was okay. You told me you missed me & I just looked at you & smiled while I went to kiss you. & told you, "We will talk about it tomorrow & I'll give you tonight to think." You smiled & kissed me back. I left your house knowing we were both happy. I honestly couldn't stop smiling. 

I still can't stop smiling. 

I love you, I know I haven't told you that in awhile. But I do, I will always love you.   

I am sorry..

I am sorry for messaging you after you told me not too.

I am sorry for asking you to hang out after you told me not too. 

I am sorry this is a lot harder for me. 

I am sorry I just wanted to see you for an hour tonight. 

I am sorry I am losing my mind. 

I am sorry for crying so much. 

I am sorry for crying today at the football game. 

I am sorry for crying right now. 

I am sorry I love you so much. 

I am sorry I am missing you terribly.

I am sorry I am not perfect. 

I am sorry I ruined us to cause this. 

I am sorry for always complaining. 

I am sorry I can't let you go.

I am sorry my feelings for you will never change. 

I am sorry I will always be waiting for you to come back to me. 

I am sorry I always want to talk to you. 

I am sorry the thought of you being with someone else kills me. 

I am sorry I will never be able to get over you. 

I am sorry I will always look for you in a crowd. 

I am sorry I fucked up. 

I am sorry I am a fucked up person. 

I am sorry everything is my fault. 

I am sorry you're the only person I want to be with. 

I am sorry you're the only person I want to spend the rest of my life with. 

I am sorry I have so much hope in us. 

I am sorry I will always check my phone to see if your name shows up. 

I am sorry I can't live without you. 

I am sorry I cry everyday. 

I am just so sorry Eduardo.. I can't do this.