I Can't Do This Anymore..

I feel like you're gone. & your not coming back this time.. I need you more than anything right now. But, I know you're hurt. It makes since now. All of this. Why you bring it up everyday. It's because it's still hurting you. I'm so sorry... I was stupid & didn't know what I was doing. Or getting myself into. 

The fact that you're not even talking to me or even looking at me on the bus is killing me. I just wanna talk to you. I can't lose you.. But, I think I already have.. I just wanna cry right now. The tears are forming in my eyes but I'm trying to hard not to let them fall.. But, I know sometime today they are. & I'm not going to be able to stop them.. They are just going to start running down my face.. I just can't do this. I need you in my life. I just need you back.. You don't understand no one understands. You mean everything to me. & just watching you put your head down & not say a single word to me, hurts. More than anything.. I can literally feel my eyes hurting & burning. Because I wore them out crying too much yesterday.. It got to the point to where I thought I wouldn't be able to cry anymore. Because of how much I did last night. I just wish you'd understand. & I hope you'll let me tal to you later. Because I can't lose you. I just can't.. If I lose you, I wouldn't know what to do. My mind would go crazy. Like it is right now, but worse. Holding back the tears is getting worse. All I know is, if you don't talk to me at all today.. I'll know I've lost you this time.. & right then & there tears will be rushing down my face.. 

I just can't do this anymore. I need you back. If I can't talk to you & explain everything to you later. I don't know what I'm going to do.. They would just turn into words unspoken.. That are bottled up in my head wanting to come outta my mouth.. 

~Neaveh Raine.. 

February 25th, 2014. 

Please, Just Listen.

I can't take this.. I feel like I've lost you. & that's the one thing I cat handle. Is losing the one I love completely. I just can't take it anymore. All day I've been trying my hardest not to cry. I've been holding back so much. It's not funny. Everytime I see him I start tearing up to the point where I have to go into the bathroom because I know I'm face is red & I don't want people seeing me cry. I have been doing so good. I can't break now. I just can't. But, I'm so close too. Just typing all this is making me tear up. I just can't handle even the thought of losing him.. 

I'm just hoping everything I'm thinking right now, & worrying about is all false. That I'm not losing him & that he's not going to pick her... I'm so scared right now it's not even a joke. At this point I just want to go up to him & hug him. I just need a hug. I just need to know everything is going to be okay... 

No. I need to talk to you. I can't lose you. I need to talk to you, face to face. Not over the phone of anything. I'm just scared & have a lot on my mind. I just need to you listen. That's all. For you to let me express everything I have been bottling up all weekend & today. Just let it all out. & for you to just listen & think about what I'm saying. & then when I am all done, I don't even care if I'm already crying, for you to say everything back what is in your head. The truth. Not even 1% of a lie. 100% truth. That's all I need to do today. & I'm hoping I get the chance to do that today. 

~Nevaeh Raine. 

February 24th, 2014. 

 

I Want Her To Be Happy Too..

You know, I have been thinking.. A lot. & I always put other peoples happiness before myself. & just today I was doing that again. I was reading mine & Faiths old blogger we shared. & she wrote a blog all about Diego. I didn't read it all. Just little pieces. Because I knew I would start crying if I read the whole thing. But what really got to me & made me think was at the end, there was a shit ton of pictures of them two together. & 99% of all of those pictures.. I took. I remember I was their, "Photographer." I would always take pictures of them. & it just made me think. Right when I seen the third to last picture I just started balling my eyes out.. Because I just want everyone to be happy. & I was at the point of texting Diego & asking him if I could go over to his house tomorrow after school & talk to him. I was going to tell him if he really does like her. & all that. Then just go to her. Because I want her to be happy & I want him to be happy. & I know sheafe him happy before. So why can't he make him happy again? I don't know if she still can or not. Only he knows that. But anyways, I just want them to be happy. Because I still care about her. Yeah, I act like I hate her & all this. But i will always care about her. Always. Even if she pisses me off so bad to where I was to kill her. I would still care about her. & I want her to be happy. & I want him to be

happy. 

ANYWAYS, I was about to text him to ask if we could talk tomorrow because I was gong to tell him, to just go to her. Go be with her. Make her happy. But, right when I started thinking about all of this. 8 started balling my eyes out.. Because I don't want them to be together. Yes, I want her to be happy. But not with him. Because for once, I want to be happy again. She already got her "second chance" with him. & look where that ended at. She got her second chance. It's done & over with. 

OhMyGosh. I don't even know where I'm trying to get to in this. I honestly think it's fair to say I can't explain anything through texting anymore. Because I can't even explain what I'm trying to say in this. Well, I guess I'll try too.. 

What I am trying to say is, yes. I want her to be happy. I really do. But, I don't want her to be happy with him. I want her to be happy with someone else. Not him. 

I can't even finish this.. I'm going to start crying.. 

~Nevaeh Raine. 

February 24th, 2014. 

It's All My Fault..

Everything is my fault at this point. & I'm not going to disagree with that. Because just look at the situation, it was all me. Everything was. Everything that is going on right now. All the drama just everything. It's my fault why I lost everyone. Why I have no one. Why I don't even have someone to talk to anymore. In school, it's just me. I'm all alone. I walk to class, alone. I barely talk to anyone. I walk to the buses, alone. All day it's just me & my headphones. & at the end of the day.. I can't help but think it's all my fault. Even if someone gave my a lecher of how it's not my fault. I can't help but think it is..
Okay.. I'm done talk about this. I'm about to ball my eyes out.. I just can't do this. I have fucking no one. I'm alone. Every single day.. I know people think I'm strong & can get through a lot. But the truth is.. I can't. Especially alone..
Yup, I'm done.. I'm balling my eyes out & can barely see the screen..

~Nevaeh Raine.
February 5, 2014.