Afraid..

Well it's all happening all over again, my best friend is making me choose. Her or him..

A few months ago my old best friend of almost two years made me choose. & I just couldn't, I couldn't choose between my best friend & the love of my life. & the fact that she was making me choose was horrible. & the hardest thing I could have ever done..

& now, the same thing is happening again.. My best friend that I live with is making me choose.. I can't lose her, & I can't lose him either. Me & him already talked about this, but it's just I am scared to do that.. & last night when she asked me, she wouldn't even let me answer her question. She said, "Well for now on I am going to start being distant with you, & tonight I am sleeping on the couch." & then she walked out of the room & I began balling my eyes out...

I can't do this, I can't lose any more people.. Especially my two best friends..

I just can't.. & if I have to do it to save my friendship with her, then I guess I am going to have to do what me & him talked about yesterday.. Which is going to suck since I already don't get to see him.. & I really don't see how it is going to work..

I don't see how anything is going to work..

I am just scared.. I am afraid.

Revolution.

New Year revolution; don't fuck up.

On New Years Eduardo came up stairs, I was high so I was just trying to act normal because I know he hates it. He was just hanging out with us, & he says to me, "I swear Erica, if you fuck up one more time I will leave you." He said something else after that, but I don't remember what it was. & the look on his face when he told me that just said it all. He was being dead serious, & that made me scared & realize stuff.

It made me scared because I can't lose him, I love him too much to even think about losing him & not crying. He's my everything.. & I hate how I have hurt him in the past, it still gets to me today.. If I could  go back & fix all of the fucked up shit I have done in the past, I would. & he knows that. It's just I am not going to fuck up again. I can't lose him...

It made me realize how much I've hurt him, & how much he has forgave me.. & I am so thankful to still have him in my life. Even after everything I have put him through, he is still standing right by my side. & I couldn't thank him enough for that..

Eduardo seriously means so much to me. I have never loved someone so much, until him. He's my whole world, my everything. He makes me smile while I am crying. He makes me the happiest girl alive when he kisses me & tells me he loves me. & I can't even explain how much I love him. He knows I am in love with him, & that's good enough for me.

So this year, no more fucking up. I can't lose the love of my life.

Happy New Year.

 Wow, I can't believe is already 2015. So much is happening this year... I am moving in with my best friend, graduating from high school, this year I start my first year of college, I am going to Peru with my best friend & her family. This year I turn eighteen & begin my life. & I am hoping to end it with the love of my life..

At the beginning of this year, I made a deal with myself to keep everything to myself. Instead of telling Eduardo & Lorgia everything, whenever they ask what is wrong I am just going to say, "I am fine" & put a smile on my face. Even if it's a fake smile..

That deal is harder than I honestly thought. I have been getting beyond stressed because of it. Whenever something is bothering me, I just keep it all to myself. Instead of explaining or saying what is wrong, I just smile & pretend I am okay. When in reality, I am beyond broken..

I am just hoping this year end up being as amazing as it should be..

Wild mind..

Damn, I haven't wrote in this in forever.. I guess it's because my mind has been too crazy just to think about one thing to write about.

Today, I wrote in my journal for the first time since I think November? & I couldn't stay on one topic. I wrote three pages, & each of them weren't about one thing. They were about multiple things..

I don't know what got over me, I started writing about something & then it just led to another & then another. That's honestly what happens every time I begin to write. I hate it, but it happens.

 But lately, my mind has been going crazy. There's a different thought running through my head every minute.. Some good, & some bad.

I stay up every night until around two or three in the morning. Last night, I didn't go to bed until five, when I had to be up around six.. I stayed up all night over thinking & just wanting to cry. But I didn't, I held it all in..

Which at this point, I don't know if that's a good or bad thing anymore.