What If..

All yesterday & this morning I have been thinking about that question you asked me. "What if I choose her?" You asked Faith that same question. & I don't know what she said. All I know is me & her had similar answers. Well after I answered your question. You didn't say anything. We just both fell asleep. & ever since then I have been thinking & thinking about what question. Like, what if you did choose her..? Well here. I'm going to answer that question 100% or close to 100% honest. Here it goes.. 
What is you do choose Faith instead of me? Well, here's my answer. You would choose her. There would be nothing I could do about it. You would have finally made your decision. & I would have to respect that this time. I'd leave you alone. I would have to disappear from your life.. Because I wouldn't want to be the reason why you cheat again. Or the reason why you two break up & you're not happy anymore. I just want you to be happy. & if being with Faith is going to make you happy then.. I'm happy for you. If you choose her then I'll be gone.. At least until you & I move on completely or at least 75%.. Yeah, it would hurt to see you two in school together & every time she goes to your house. I'd have to see her ride the bus & get off at your house. Yeah, it'd hurt like hell. But, I would just have to hold all that back. I'd have to hold all the jealously back & most of all.. All of the tears wanting to pour down my face. But I won't let them until I get home. So you & no one else will know I'm hurting. You won't know how I really feel. You'll just think I'm actually starting to be happy again. When the truth is, it'd only be getting worse.. But, I'd try my best not to show it. Because you'd be happy. & I wouldn't want to ruin your happiness.. If you choose her, then I'll be gone. I'll leave you alone & let you be happy. I won't bother you anymore. As long as you're happy. I'm happy for you.. I just want you to be happy. & if she makes you happier than I did. Then.. There's nothing I can do about that.. Even when I wish I could change that. I can't..   
You know, I'm literally crying right now just typing this.. Because I hate even the thought of you being with someone else. Especially her.. I hate it so much.. I can't stand it. Because I don't want you with anyone else. I want to be with you. I want to be the reason for your happiness.. I just want to restart everything.. I want to be with you. I want us together again.. I love you so much. I can't let you go.. & I don't want anyone else to have you.. Because I'm selfish. I don't like sharing you with anyone else.. So please.. Don't choose her.. You have no idea how bad that will crush me.. You have no idea how heart broken I'll truly be.. You seriously just have no idea how much I really do love you & want to be with you.. 
Diego.. I seriously love you so damn much. Please, don't choose her. I'm begging you.. 

~Nevaeh Raine.. 
November 30th, 2013. 

More Answers.

I'm so glad we finally got to some what talk. I finally got more answers. Answers I needed. That biggest question I needed an answer to was who you want to be with. Who do you pick. Which you finally answered it. Your answer was me. You honestly have no idea how happy I was when you said that. Well, maybe you could from the smile on my face and the way I was looking at you. Then when you explained why you choose me. That just made my smile become even more real than it already was. You told me I'm always your first choice. That you always come back to me. Which is true because you do. Even when you had a girlfriend.. You still came to me. You wanted me to kiss you when she was right upstairs in your house. When you could have just walked back into your house and kiss her. I'm not complaining. I'm just saying you could have. But, I'm glad and happy you didn't. Because I wanted to kiss you. Why wouldn't I? Haha. 
Anyways, yesterday was just amazing. After talking we just sat on your bed. Messed around & cuddled. Watched T.V & we took a video on your laptop. & it has us kissing in it. Hahaa, that made me think. We really don't have all that many pictures together. I think that should change. I love taking pictures. But we are always doing something & I forget to take pictures. & I regret it afterwards. I'll try not to forget next time. 

I just lost all my train of thought about this topic. I have so much more to say. I just don't know how to say it or put it. So, I don't know. Haha.

~Nevaeh Raine.
November 20th, 2013.

Makes No Since.

You know, this all makes no since. Well, it doesn't to me atleast. 

Okay, think about it. We have been broken up since the end of September. & still continue to hang out, flirt, kiss & hook up. We act & look like a couple. But, we're not.. While you were dating her you tried to ignore me. Kinda like pushing me away. Like I was nothing. It didn't help that I kept going to your cousins house, Grace. But, she's my best friend & I needed her. So of course you're going to see me there. & she's my best friend. Anyways, while you were dating Faith we ended up kissing & that lead to hooking up. So, you cheated on Faith, with me. Again. After that you said it couldn't happen again. You told Faith what happened. & she was hurt. But you still continued to date her? What the fuck? If makes no since. You cheat on the girl & she still want to be with you. & I guess you do too? Um okay, yeah. To be honest, that made me feel worthless. But I just had to push that all away. Because I "knew you were coming back." But honestly, I don't even know if you are anymore.. & that's what sucks the most. Anyways, she was at your house from Thursday to Saturday morning. & I went over there Thursday & Friday just to hang out for a few hours with Grace. Because sh wanted to see her boyfriend. So I went with her. Friday night Grace's mom took you to get pizza & while we were siting in Hungry Howies. You kept putting your arms around me. & I was laying on your lap & you were laying on mine. & Grace asked you if I make you happy. You said, "Yes." & then she asked if Faith made you happy. & you said, "I don't know." How don't you know if someone makes you happy? Either they do or. They don't. Simple as that. But, I remember you're I don't knows either mean, I don't know, maybe or no. So, that's not a solid yes. So, why would you be with someone that you're not happy with? If you're going to be with someone they should make you happy. Not just smile. Anyways, when we got back to your house. You wanted me to help you bring in the pizza. So I did. Then you said you had to go thank your Aunt for taking you to get the pizza. Even though you already said thank you to her like 5 times before. Well we were walking outta the door we ended up getting really close. I backed away & opened the door. You walked out the door & said, "Just do it already!" So, I turned around & kiss you. & you kissed me back. You wanted me to kiss you. When your girlfriend was right upstairs in your house & you could have just walked up there & kissed her. But you didn't. You didn't want to kiss her. You wanted to kiss me. 

That's what I just don't understand. You would rather kiss me & be around me than your own girlfriend. I make you happy. & she only makes you smile. We acted more like a couple while you were dating her than you two did. Yes, you two aren't dating anymore. But we still act like a couple when were not. I'm not complaining about it. I'm just confused about it. Like, we kiss, flirt, hang out, hook up, act weird, be ourselfs & just are us. & act like a couple. So, I don't get it. Why can't we just restart everything? Like how it was the first day everything happened, May 6th, 2013. That's when everything started falling right into place. & I just want it to go back to that. We were so happy together. We still are. I think we are atleast. Anyways, I just want to press a restart botton & relive everything from that day. & make it to where I never lost you. I know I haven't lost you completely. Because you said you were going to stop talk to me but you haven't. You still find ways to talk to me.. But still. I just want to restart everything. Like another chance. I just hope when we talk later today you realize & understand what I'm trying to say.. & okay, yes. I understand that you're always "10 steps ahead." But I  just hope you open your eyes & realize what is right in front of you. 

~Nevaeh Raine. 

November 19th, 2013. 

Hurts So Much..

I don't even know what to think right now. I'm sitting here at Diego's house. & his new girlfriend is here too. It hurts just looking at them. The only reason why I'm here is because Grace wants to hangout with her boyfriend. & I want her to be happy. Even though I'm not.. How can I be happy when I have to see her all over you. Her hugging you, cuddling with you, kissing you... It hurts so much. Yesterday, I literally started crying because of how much it hurt.. I was so happy when Grace's mom came to get us because I didn't want anyone to see me cry... I hate crying infront of people. So, I just hold it all in. & smile through the pain. I can't show anyone I'm hurting because then they will just use it against me. Faith will see & she'll enjoy it.. She'll just continue to do it. Because that'll make her happy.. Seeing me hurt & sad.  

I just honestly, want to leave. This hurts too much.. I'm holding back so much right now.. & no one even notices.. Grace told me yesterday when we got back to her house that she could tell I was hurting. Because she wouldn't stop asking if I was okay the whole time we were there. But, I just kept telling her I was fine. Because I didn't want anyone to know. I just told her I was fine. & smiled. Yeah, it was a fake smile but only a few people can tell when I have a fake smile on. & that's the people that know what my real smile looks like. Because everytime I'm with them I have a real smile on. Not a stupid fake one. I honesty hate faking a smile. It's so much work. But, it's all worth it. Because I don't want anyone knowing I'm hurt & depressed. Why would I? I'm not just going to tell people I'm depressed. Because then I'll be doing it for attention.. & I hate attention. So, I just hold it all in. Like everything is perfectly fine. When really.. Life hurts. 

If only they knew how much pain I'm in everyday. Especially the past two days watching him be with someone else.. It hurts like hell. It feels like someone is literally ripping my heart out of my chest. But, no one knows that. Because I don't want them to know. Why would I? So they can feel bad for me? & just say sorry when their really not? Why would they feel bad for me or say sorry? They didn't for anything wrong. They didn't make me feel like this. No one made me feel like this. It just happened. I don't know how & I don't know when. It just did. & I don't know how to stop it either.. Because I knew how to stop this pain. It would have already been stopped. Wait, I do know how to stop it. Because there's only one way I'll be 100% happy again. & that's with him. But, he's in a relationship. Yeah, he says he still loves me & all that. But how can I believe that when he's still with her..? He keeps telling me to do what I want to do. & do what will make me happy. How can I do what will make me happy when he's in a fricken relationship. & I can't do anything about it. Because trust me, if I could. I would have already done something about it. But I can't. He's happy with her. She's the reaso for his smile now. Not me.. & that hurts like a bitch... 

Ugh, I just can't do this anymore... I want his pain to stop. I want to be happy again. But he's the only one that can make me happy. & he doesn't understand that.. I wish he did. But, he just doesn't I guess. Ugh, I just wan him to be mine again. But, he's hers... This hurts more than anything. I love him & he loves me. But, he still chooses her.. & that just makes me want to cry.. 

~Nevaeh Raine. 

November 15th, 2013. 

Notebook.

Wow, it's be awhile since I wrote in this.. I've been writing in my notebook a lot. I don't really know why. I just get bored in class & there's always something on my mind. So, I decided on day to get out a notebook. & write what I had on my mind. I wouldn't stop writing until I knew what I wanted to say was on that piece of paper. Or atleast more of it was. Because honestly, if I said everything that I wanted to on a piece of paper. I would need a whole notebook just for one topic. The longest topic I've wrote about was called, "6 Months." & it was a full 2 pages long. Front & back. & yes, it was all about him. Every word of it. Just about our memories. & how it all began. 

I don't really know why I've been writin in my notebook than just typing it all out on here. It's faster to just type it. But, I like the way I can express my feelings on paper too I guess. & instead of just deleting it off my phone. I can just burn the piece of paper & let it all go. The past few weeks I have just been in a writing kind of mood. It's hard to explain. But, for this weekend. I'm just going to writing in this. It's easier than writing in my notebook when I'm around people. Because they never seem to notice what I'm doing. They just think I'm texting it something. But if I writing in my notebook while I'm around people then they know what I'm doing. Some people just think I'm probably doing homework. But, if they really know me then they know I don't do homework. & if they really know me. They will identify the notebook & know what I'm doing. & most likely want to know what I'm writing about. Because they wanna know what is going around in "Erica's head." But, I won't let them read it if I don't want them too. Only some people get to read it. The people I want to read it. Same with this, I only let people read it if I want them too. I know, it's complicated. But, it's me. 

~Nevaeh Raine. 

November 15th, 2013. 

A true best friend.

      There this girl that's always there for me no matter what. I'm so happy that I have at least one person that has my back. Try to make her smile, give her good advice & always be in her side. There might be fights between us like that Kyle thing but Erica you deserve to be happy. I knew you changed and you have I find your way out if this and I will help you.

    We have memories together but you like a part of my life that I can't let go.  I'm happy I met you e.t.. I just want things right and see happy Erica. You know when you have a problem or you need someone you have me. Look things aren't gonna be the way as you think but you need things to work out by them selfs. I want to start fresh and so do you so were gonna do it together.

     I always wanted a sister not annoying big brothers. I'm just happy that your there for me always. I know for sure our friendship will last really long. It's gonna be hard for me when your gonna graduate and I'm gonna be still in High school. We will make it work out when it's time.

I Want To Go Back..

I don't even know what to think anymore.. I just want everything back to the way it was before. I want to go back to the day it all began.. Back to May 6th. It was the first day we kissed. The first day you told me you liked me. The first day I realized what was right in front of me. It was the first day everything started to feel right. Everything was falling right into place. Everything felt so right. 

I still can't believe that day. It started off as being the worst. But, you made it the best towards the end. I just want to go back. Start everything all over. & relive it once more. I just want to be happy again. & that's when I was the happiest I could be. Because I was spending everyday with the person that meant the most to me. You. I was so happy I had a smile on my face everyday. Even when you were with her. I was still happy. Because I knew at the end of the day, you were mine. & that's all that matter. 

I just want to go back. I want to go back to the first day we started talking. The first day I rode your bus. The first day you came over to my house. The first day I went to yours. The first day we kissed. The first day, it all began. 

I honesty miss you. I just wish I could go back.. 

~Navaeh Raine. 

November 4th, 2013. 

Goodbye?

I can't believe it's came down to this.. After everything. We said goodbye once again. At least last time I knew you were coming back. This time I don't even know. I hate saying goodbye & you know it. But, you still choose to say it. I know you said, "Goodbye doesn't mean forever." But it sure feels like forever.. Even if you don't think so. I just hate the word. I hate saying it. Especially to you. It just hurts too much. 

I remember the first time you had to say goodbye. It was because you were going to Indiana to see your sister for a month. We had to say goodbye & it was hard. Because my best friend was leaving me.. Ha.. I remember we kept making up excuses to see each other. & each time we would hug & kiss.. Because we had to wait awhile to do anything. We had to wait a month to kiss, hug, hang out or even see each other. Yeah, we would FaceTime. But it just want the same.. Because we wanted to be there with each other. But couldn't be.. But, the one thing that helped me was knowing you were coming back to me. That's what kept a smile on my face everyday you were gone. & the day you came back made me so happy. Because I could finally kiss you, hug you, be with you. I was happy to know you were back to stay. 

I can't handle another goodbye. Especially not knowing if you're coming back or not.. 

~Nevaeh Raine. 

November 4th, 2013. 

I just want my best friend back.. To stay. 

Broken.

Congratulations. You broke me completely this time.. I just can't believe it. I can't believe my own eyes right now.. Really? You kissed her. Are you fucking kidding me right now..? I hope you are.. But, I know you're not. Because I seen it. With my own two eyes.. You honestly have no idea how bad I just wanted to fall to the ground & cry my eyes out. You seriously have no fucking idea.. I can't even look at you anymore. Everytime I do I think of you kissing her.. & it makes me want to cry so bad. But, I hold it all in until I get home. That's when everything comes out.. All the tears I've been holding back, fall. The fake smile, turns to a frown. The prefect make up, begins to run. It's when every little thing just flows out. Like a river. You can't stop it. You can only watch it. 
It just hurts. You say all that too me & then go & kiss her. It's so messed up.. Like, I know you said nothing will change. But, I was hoping you would change your mind. I guess I was wrong once again.. I'm sorry for misunderstanding.. 
I honestly don't even know what to say. Yeah, we're "single" but did you really think I wouldn't care about that? Seriously. I still can't believe my own eyes.. I don't want too. But, I have too.. & that's what hurts the most.. You didn't even care that I seen. You just walked away without a care in the world... Or it seemed like it anyways.. 

~Nevaeh Raine..
November 3rd, 2013.

Everything Makes Sense Now.

Wow. I can't believe it took me this long to realize all this. You've cared this whole time. You have been pretending this whole time. Each time you told me you didn't like me anymore was a lie. You admitted it. You still have feelings for me. I don't know how much. All I know is they're there. & tonight they grew a little bit back. Wow, for once your feelings grew when mine stayed the same. I still can't get what you said outta my head. You want to move on. & you want me to move on. But, you're not ready to stop having sex? It makes no sense to me. Especially when we had sex, again. & this time your feelings actually grew.. Like, I just don't know what to think. You said to move on. But, you're always the one to kiss me first. You're always the one to make the first move.. & you tell me to move on.. Wow. I just realized all that. You are the one that does all that first. OhMyGosh.. Now I realize why you always kissed me. You said today. Your feelings started to grew more from the way we kiss.. That must mean your feelings have been growing all this time. & I just haven't noticed that. & you're telling me to stop hanging out with you. Because you don't want them to grow anymore. Cause you've said you're done dating me. & that's one thing you want to keep that you've said your done with. Dang.. I can't believe it's taken me this long to realize all this. I guess you were right when you said I didn't understand.. Well, now I do. I at least understand more than I did yesterday. 
But, I just have to try to move on. Right? I have to leave you alone. & honestly, that hurt more than anything. You said it was a smile on your face & everything. Like, you didn't care about my feelings. Well, I don't  know if you did or do but it just kinda felt like that. It hurt so bad. I just wanted to fall to the ground crying. But, I didn't. I just tried to hold back the tears. Until they just fall down my face without warning.. Gosh, I hate crying in front of you. I really do. Because I think you think I'm just doing it for attention. When I'm not.. I hate crying in front of people. Especially you.. Anyways, I just don't know what to do. I've been trying to move on. But, that hurts so much. But I'm going to try anyways. Because that's what you want.. So, I'm doing it for you. & so I can get my best friend back.. I miss him. So many memories.. I don't even want to name any because I'm going to start crying.. I just miss my best friend.. & only time is going to fix that. I'm just glad I've finally realized all that. & understand so much more. 

~Nevaeh Raine.
October 29th, 2013.

Maybe, It's That Time..

I've been sitting here, staring at this computer screen for at least an hour. I'm not even joking. I'm over thinking worst than before. So much going through my head. But, I think I made my decision.. So, here it goes..

I think it's time. It's time to try to move on.. It's going to hurt like a bitch but I guess it's just that time.. I don't want too. I wish there was another choice. But there's not.. & it sucks.. 

I just want him to be happy. & if by me moving on is going to make him happy then I'll try just for him.  I just wish I could make him happy like I used too.. Ha.. I remember all our memories when we were just best friends. We would hang out everyday after school. He would come to my house & text me saying he's outside. & we would just walk around & have fun. I remember that one day we decided to go for a walk in the woods. Not knowing where we were going. But also, not caring. You wanted to climb on this dead tree & you fell. You cut your head open. & I don't know why but I felt so bad. I felt like it was my fault. Anyways, it started getting darker & darker. So, we turned around & tried to find our way back home. Even though it took like 2 hours. It was all worth it. I also remember that one time we passed out in my yard because we were both tired as fuck. People seen us & started saying we were dating & had a thing. When we didn't at that time. It wasn't even weird. We were sharing a blanket & I was using his arm as a pillow. Wow, that was the first time we slept together.. Haha. & I remember the first time I went over to your house & your mom came home. We were just sitting on your couch playing black ops. & I got so nerves. You started laughing at me because of it. & I would tell you to stop. But that just made me laugh. I remember so much stuff that you probably don't remember.. The walks after school, the bus rides. Haha, we were bus buddies.. You specking to me in Spanish just to confuse me or tell me something you didn't want me to know because you were shy or scared to tell me. Texting everyday after I walked you half way home. Facetiming just because we were both bored & it was late at night. OhMyGosh... I remember that one night you facetimed me when you were still down in Indiana. That was the first time you told me you loved me.. & I said it back.. Wow, we have had so many great memories. Oh yeah, can't forget about June 15th.. Haha. Or August 15th.. So many memories. I wish I could relive them..

Ugh, I hate this.  I hate this so fricken much. You know what I miss? I miss my best friend. I miss the guy that was always there for me. The guy that when he first seen my scars on my wrist kissed them. & showed that he cared. & he wanted to help & be there for me when no one else was. I miss all our memories. I miss no having a care in the world because I knew I had a guy best friend that was just like me. & I didn't have to be someone I wasn't. I could be my complete self around & not care when I looked liked. I just miss my best fucking friend.. I want him back! But, I know I'm not going to get him back until I move somewhat on for him. To where me & him can be alone & I don't have that feeling to try to kiss me or anything like that. That's why he wants to stop talking & hanging out for a month. So I can move on. I just hope after all this I at least get my best friend back. That would be a dream come true. I'm not even joking.. But, I know I'm not going to get him back until I move.. So, maybe it is that time. 

When I wake up I'm going to try to start moving on. & if me & him see each other or talk or even text then I'm just going to remind myself that me & him are just friends. That's it. Nothing more.. & it's time to move on.. 

~Nevaeh Raine..

October 22nd, 2013. 

Escape.

I just need to escape reality for a little way. Just get away from everything. No over thinking, no crying, no worrying.. Nothing. Just having a blank mind & get away for a while. Life is so stressful theses days. I wish everything was just similar. But, it's not. I just need to get away. Just fall in a hole a stay there. Waiting for someone to notice that I'm missing. But, no one will notice. No one ever notices. That just how it is. Right? 

I just need to get away & breathe. Just relax & escape from all this drama & bullshit. I'm so tired of it all. It's getting annoying. I just to be free. Like a bird. I want to fly up in the sky & go somewhere. Come back the next day all happy. Not overthinking or anything. Wow, now writing that down I'm doubting it. I would come back overthinking because I would he thinking about who missed me or even noticed I was gone. I would be just wondering so much stuff in my head. But not saying a thing. It would be the whole thing all over again. My overthinking would still continue. No matter what. That's just me. I overthink everything. I can't help it. I try to stop it but nothing works. Nothing ever works. It's always been the total opposite for me. 

You know what, I think I just need to breathe. Relax. & I will have to find away to do that on my own. Even if I just escape for a few hours. That would be enough for me to figure out some things. That would be enough for me to relax & forget the world. 

~Nevaeh Raine. 

October 17th, 2013.