Everything Makes Sense Now.

Wow. I can't believe it took me this long to realize all this. You've cared this whole time. You have been pretending this whole time. Each time you told me you didn't like me anymore was a lie. You admitted it. You still have feelings for me. I don't know how much. All I know is they're there. & tonight they grew a little bit back. Wow, for once your feelings grew when mine stayed the same. I still can't get what you said outta my head. You want to move on. & you want me to move on. But, you're not ready to stop having sex? It makes no sense to me. Especially when we had sex, again. & this time your feelings actually grew.. Like, I just don't know what to think. You said to move on. But, you're always the one to kiss me first. You're always the one to make the first move.. & you tell me to move on.. Wow. I just realized all that. You are the one that does all that first. OhMyGosh.. Now I realize why you always kissed me. You said today. Your feelings started to grew more from the way we kiss.. That must mean your feelings have been growing all this time. & I just haven't noticed that. & you're telling me to stop hanging out with you. Because you don't want them to grow anymore. Cause you've said you're done dating me. & that's one thing you want to keep that you've said your done with. Dang.. I can't believe it's taken me this long to realize all this. I guess you were right when you said I didn't understand.. Well, now I do. I at least understand more than I did yesterday. 
But, I just have to try to move on. Right? I have to leave you alone. & honestly, that hurt more than anything. You said it was a smile on your face & everything. Like, you didn't care about my feelings. Well, I don't  know if you did or do but it just kinda felt like that. It hurt so bad. I just wanted to fall to the ground crying. But, I didn't. I just tried to hold back the tears. Until they just fall down my face without warning.. Gosh, I hate crying in front of you. I really do. Because I think you think I'm just doing it for attention. When I'm not.. I hate crying in front of people. Especially you.. Anyways, I just don't know what to do. I've been trying to move on. But, that hurts so much. But I'm going to try anyways. Because that's what you want.. So, I'm doing it for you. & so I can get my best friend back.. I miss him. So many memories.. I don't even want to name any because I'm going to start crying.. I just miss my best friend.. & only time is going to fix that. I'm just glad I've finally realized all that. & understand so much more. 

~Nevaeh Raine.
October 29th, 2013.

Maybe, It's That Time..

I've been sitting here, staring at this computer screen for at least an hour. I'm not even joking. I'm over thinking worst than before. So much going through my head. But, I think I made my decision.. So, here it goes..

I think it's time. It's time to try to move on.. It's going to hurt like a bitch but I guess it's just that time.. I don't want too. I wish there was another choice. But there's not.. & it sucks.. 

I just want him to be happy. & if by me moving on is going to make him happy then I'll try just for him.  I just wish I could make him happy like I used too.. Ha.. I remember all our memories when we were just best friends. We would hang out everyday after school. He would come to my house & text me saying he's outside. & we would just walk around & have fun. I remember that one day we decided to go for a walk in the woods. Not knowing where we were going. But also, not caring. You wanted to climb on this dead tree & you fell. You cut your head open. & I don't know why but I felt so bad. I felt like it was my fault. Anyways, it started getting darker & darker. So, we turned around & tried to find our way back home. Even though it took like 2 hours. It was all worth it. I also remember that one time we passed out in my yard because we were both tired as fuck. People seen us & started saying we were dating & had a thing. When we didn't at that time. It wasn't even weird. We were sharing a blanket & I was using his arm as a pillow. Wow, that was the first time we slept together.. Haha. & I remember the first time I went over to your house & your mom came home. We were just sitting on your couch playing black ops. & I got so nerves. You started laughing at me because of it. & I would tell you to stop. But that just made me laugh. I remember so much stuff that you probably don't remember.. The walks after school, the bus rides. Haha, we were bus buddies.. You specking to me in Spanish just to confuse me or tell me something you didn't want me to know because you were shy or scared to tell me. Texting everyday after I walked you half way home. Facetiming just because we were both bored & it was late at night. OhMyGosh... I remember that one night you facetimed me when you were still down in Indiana. That was the first time you told me you loved me.. & I said it back.. Wow, we have had so many great memories. Oh yeah, can't forget about June 15th.. Haha. Or August 15th.. So many memories. I wish I could relive them..

Ugh, I hate this.  I hate this so fricken much. You know what I miss? I miss my best friend. I miss the guy that was always there for me. The guy that when he first seen my scars on my wrist kissed them. & showed that he cared. & he wanted to help & be there for me when no one else was. I miss all our memories. I miss no having a care in the world because I knew I had a guy best friend that was just like me. & I didn't have to be someone I wasn't. I could be my complete self around & not care when I looked liked. I just miss my best fucking friend.. I want him back! But, I know I'm not going to get him back until I move somewhat on for him. To where me & him can be alone & I don't have that feeling to try to kiss me or anything like that. That's why he wants to stop talking & hanging out for a month. So I can move on. I just hope after all this I at least get my best friend back. That would be a dream come true. I'm not even joking.. But, I know I'm not going to get him back until I move.. So, maybe it is that time. 

When I wake up I'm going to try to start moving on. & if me & him see each other or talk or even text then I'm just going to remind myself that me & him are just friends. That's it. Nothing more.. & it's time to move on.. 

~Nevaeh Raine..

October 22nd, 2013. 

Escape.

I just need to escape reality for a little way. Just get away from everything. No over thinking, no crying, no worrying.. Nothing. Just having a blank mind & get away for a while. Life is so stressful theses days. I wish everything was just similar. But, it's not. I just need to get away. Just fall in a hole a stay there. Waiting for someone to notice that I'm missing. But, no one will notice. No one ever notices. That just how it is. Right? 

I just need to get away & breathe. Just relax & escape from all this drama & bullshit. I'm so tired of it all. It's getting annoying. I just to be free. Like a bird. I want to fly up in the sky & go somewhere. Come back the next day all happy. Not overthinking or anything. Wow, now writing that down I'm doubting it. I would come back overthinking because I would he thinking about who missed me or even noticed I was gone. I would be just wondering so much stuff in my head. But not saying a thing. It would be the whole thing all over again. My overthinking would still continue. No matter what. That's just me. I overthink everything. I can't help it. I try to stop it but nothing works. Nothing ever works. It's always been the total opposite for me. 

You know what, I think I just need to breathe. Relax. & I will have to find away to do that on my own. Even if I just escape for a few hours. That would be enough for me to figure out some things. That would be enough for me to relax & forget the world. 

~Nevaeh Raine. 

October 17th, 2013. 

2 Months.

Wow. Today would have been our 2 months. I realized that today in math when the teacher told us the date. It's October 15th. We started dating officially on August 15th. Haha, you changed your name in my phone to "Will You Go Out With Me?" & you called me. It was so cute. I just smiled & said yes. That was the best day ever. We were officially dating. Even though we were acting like we were dating way before that. Haha. Before you left for Indiana.

It just sucks that were not together anymore. Or it would really be our 2 months. But.. It's not. 

I'm sitting in school watching you have a good day. Smiling & laughing having a blast. & I'm just.. Well, sitting here. Thinking about 2 months ago. & how happy we were. I wish I could go back.. 

~Nevaeh Raine. 

October 15th, 2013.

Last Soccer Game, 2013.

So, I went to his last soccer game of this season. Just to support him & watch his game. I didn't mean to run into my old best friend, Faith. But I did. & I decided it was time to put all this pointless drama to an end. So, I sat right next to her. The first words outta my mouth were, "I'm sorry." That was what I mainly had to say. I had to get it out there that I was truly sorry. & I didn't want to fight her. Yeah, it looked like I did. But, I wouldn't fight her. Just because she's not my best friend anymore. & rumors have been going around doesn't mean I'm going to try to fight her. That would be bad. So, I went right up to her & I said I was sorry. Sorry that I got angry & over reacted. She kept saying it was fine. But to me it wasn't. I felt horrible. But, I tried to make it up to her as much as I could. So, I tried talking to her. & we just talked the whole soccer game. Just about stuff that has been going on & new memories that have happened. After all soccer game talking & I guess catching up. It was time to go. So, Faith left. I tried to call my mom. But of course. She wouldn't answer. So, I just continued to call her over & over again. 
While calling her, I turn around & boom. There he was. Just standing there.. I wanted to go over to him & give him a hug & tell him good job. But, I remembered he isn't mine anymore & I can't just go up to him & hug him when ever I want. So, I just decided to text him saying good job instead. We started texting & I swear. Everytime I got a message from him I just smile for a second. I was happy for a split second. Just getting a text message from him.. But, then he stopped texting me. So I just decided to go to sleep. 

Ha.., I still remember the first soccer game I ever went too. It was this year & it was all just for him. I told him I was going to go to it. & he didn't believe me. Haha, I proved him wrong once again. The whole game I was so happy. I finally got to go to his soccer game. & watch him play his favorite sport. It was also the first soccer game I have ever went too. & it was also the best soccer game ever. The whole time I was so happy. & then at the end of the game Brooke & Grace wanted me to walk up to him. But, I was so scared. I don't even know why. So, they had to drag me half way out there. & we just stood there waiting for them. & he walked right up to me & kissed me infront of everyone. Right there in the middle of the soccer field. I was beyond happy. I seriously couldn't stop smiling. Ha.. I'm even smiling right now just thinking about it. That was one of the best moments ever. I wish I could go back to that day. It was so perfect. & he was still mine & I was still his.. 

Ever since that soccer game I just continued to go to them. Hoping that would happen just one more time. But, it never did.. 

~Nevaeh Raine. 

October 15th, 2013. 

School.

I seriously hate school so much. It's like a prison. & I'm the prisoner. The food sucks. So I don't eat it. The teachers are all bitches. & a lot of students are assholes. Not all of them, just most. If doesn't help everywhere I turn I see him.. & most of the time it's fine & I just smile because I'm happy for him. But other times he may be flirting with some girl or something. & it just hurts so much.. I can't stand watching it. But, I can't turn away. It hurts the most when he's flirting with her.. That's when I just want to cry. I know that probably sounds over dramatic. But, if people understood the pain I go throughout everyday then maybe they would understand. But they don't. So they can't judge, but they still do.. I just seriously hate school. It's a waste of my time. Yeah, I'm getting an education. But, no education is worth dealing with all the shit I deal with everyday. Yeah, I smile. I act like I'm happy. But, it's never a real smile. It's fake. I'm not really happy. I may seem like it. But please, don't let that foul you. Because I'm not. 

School is seriously just so much to handle now a days. I just wish it was simpler. But, it's not. & I hate that I have to go every day at school with a fake smile. & everytime anyone asks if I'm okay. I just say yeah & boom. They believe me. I hate lying to people about that. But, it's not like they would are anyways. I just wish someone would ask me if I'm okay & I would say yes I'm fine & they would say "No you're not. What's wrong?" Then I would finally not is at least someone can see I'm hurting.. But, no one does. & it's going to be like that till I graduate. I honestly just hate school. I wish it was better.. But, it's not. & I don't think it's ever going to be. 

~Navaeh Raine. 

October 14th, 2013. 

Hate This..

I can't take this anymore. I miss him more than words can describe.. I just want him to be mine again. I just want to run into his arms & hug him. & never let go. I just want to call him mine again.. & I hate this so much. Because I know he more than likely doesn't want anything to do with me.. He doesn't like me. Why would he? Yeah, he once did. & I wish so much that he still did. But, seriously. Look at me. I wouldn't like me either. Ha.. Who would? 

Ughh. I just hate this so much. Seriously, when will this pain just go away? Never? Okay, that's cool. I honestly don't see how he could move on so fast. He said he "lost feelings." How do you lose feelings that fast? Especially to the person you lost your virginity too. Like really? God fucking damn it.. I hate this so much. I just want to scream. But why do that? No one will hear me anyways. You know, I could go on & on about him. But, I choose not too. Because I know one of the guys will take my phone or he will take my phone & read it. & I don't want to sound like I'm fricken obsessed with him. Cause I'm not. That would be weird as hell. But honestly, I just want him to like me the way he did back in August. I just want everything bad.. Please? Is that so hard to ask for. I just want to be happy. Just for once to finally stay happy. & he's the only thing that makes me 100% happy. No joke. I'm not lying. I just want him to be happy.. But I want to be the reason. He said I used to be to reason why he was happy. Why he had a smile on his face everyday. 

OhMyGosh.. This is bring back memories.. I'm already starting to cry.. I remember the day he got back from Indiana. He called me asking if I could go to his house, up to his room so I could put something away or he would get in trouble by his mom. So, I said yeah I'll walk to his house & do it for him. So, I began to walk. & right when I was almost at his house he told me to turn around. Because I had to get something from my house & take it to his house. So, I turned around. I began to walk back to my house. When, I seen someone sitting on the side of the road. It looked so much like him. I asked him if that was him. & he didn't know what I was talking about. So, I continued to walk. When I realized that was him. I froze for a second. I stopped walking & I began to tear up. I was so happy. I walked up to him & he just smiled at me. I asked for a hug. & he got up & hugged me so tight. I didn't want to let go. I didn't want to lose him again. I was beyond happy that he was back. & He just had to biggest smile on his face. He kissed me so many times. & I believe he said he missed my lips. I started to cry from how happy I was. I had him back. & I knew he wasn't going anywhere. He was back to stay. & I didn't want to watch him leave again. It hurt too much the first time. I can't do that again. 

I remember that day like it just happened yesterday. & I wish it was just yesterday that happened. Because, I would know he was still mine. & I was still his. I would know he still loved me & wanted to be with me. I just want it all back.. I want to be his again. I just want to be happy again.. & I want him to be the reason why. I just want to be together again. I miss him so much. I seriously need him more than anything. But, he doesn't seem to understand that.. I just wish I could go to sleep happy because he's mine. & wake up with the same smile I had on my face when I fell asleep. I wish I could wake up next to him every morning. Like I did on the weekends. I just wish, he still loved me like he used too.. 

~Nevaeh Raine.</3

October 14th, 2013.

Not Strong Enough.

Everyone says I'm strong. That they know I can make it thought a lot. That almost nothing can take me down. But, the truth is. I'm not strong. I'm really not. Yeah, I once was. Well I think I once was. But, I'm not anymore. I've gotten weaken. & I don't know how to make myself strong again. I'm trying to find away. But, it seem impossible now.. I can't do this on my own. I need someones help. But no one is noticing I've gotten weaker. They all keep saying I'm strong. & I can get through this. The thing is, I can't. & if I can, I would love to know how. But for now, I need help from someone. & I have someone in mind. But I doubt he even cares. He more than likely hasn't noticed either. Ugh. I just don't know what to do anymore. I hate this so much. It's crazy. I just need his help. But, I doubt he'll even try.. 

~Naveah Raine. 
October 8th, 2013.

So Confused.

Wow, I haven't wrote in this for a while. Just so much stuff has happened. & not enough time, I guess. 

Well, to start. I'm so confused. I don't know what to do anymore. Diego left me. He broke up with me. I still can't believe it. I miss him like crazy. I just want him back. But, I doubt he even misses me. We still talk & text. We even flirt when we hang out. He kissed me just the other day. I missed his kiss.. He literally kissed me outta no where. We were just standing there & he wouldn't say anything only, "I don't know." I asked him to say something else or do something. He kept getting closer & closer. Asking me what I wanted him to say or do. But, I just told him I can't tell him what to do. & he kept getting closer. To where we were looking into each other's eyes. I tried not to make eye contact. But, it didn't work. He looked right at me. & outta no where, he grabbed my face & kissed me. I was so shocked. Because I didn't think he would want to even touch me. Let alone kiss me. I was so happy when he did tho. I missed him so much. I still do. I didn't stop him because I didn't want too. I wanted him to kiss me. I want him to be mine again. I miss him so much, I can't even put it in words. I see him in school & I just want to go up to him & kiss him, hug him, anything. I hate this so much, it hurts.. We talk & everything. But, it's just no the same. I want everything back to te way it was. I need him. & he doesn't even notice. It sucks to know the person your head of heals for, doesn't feel the same way.. 

I just need him to come back.. 

~Naveah Raine. 

October 7th, 2013.