It just hurts too much sometimes, I don't really understand why but I just know it does. I always want to start writing again, I've honestly thought about getting another journal or just start blogging again. But for some reason I stop myself every time I think about it. I am pretty sure I think my way out of it. I just don't know what I will write, like I can lay in bed all day & over think every little damn thing in my life at that time. & then I think about writing like I used too when that happened, but once that paper, lap top or phone is in front of me I freeze & don't know what to say. I don't know how to put the thoughts in my head on a piece of paper. & even when I do, I don't know how to start it. I honestly think that's why my anxiety is so bad at times. Because I always keep everything to myself, I don't really tell people what is wrong with me. If someone asks my response is always either, "Nothing" or "I am fine, don't worry." & even when I go to tell that one person what is actually wrong, I sit there for a few minutes trying to get the thoughts in my head to become words out of my mouth. It's honestly so hard at times. & that's why I am pretty sure my anxiety gets so bad, because I keep everything to myself. So everything is just building up in my mind. It gets too much to handle at times, but I guess there's nothing I can really do about it.
Monday, December 21, 2015
Another writing I didn't finish
Holy shit do I miss you.. But it's okay, you're in Peru with your family having a great time! It just sucks that I won't get to see you until you get back on January 8th.. This is seriously so hard for me. But I am trying to make the best of it because I know you don't want me to be upset the whole time you're gone. It's just the day after you left a lot of stuff happened, which you know what it is. But I still haven't gotten to talk to you about all of that yet.. Which seriously just sucks because I don't know what is going on between us. I have been hearing so many different things since the day you left, & I don't know what not to believe & what to believe.. That's why I just need to talk to you & figure out all of this stuff. But if I can't talk to you until you get back from Peru then that's okay! Just as long as we talk, & I mean actually talk.. Not where we hang out & get distracted with other stuff & forget to talk. I actually want to sit down & talk to you about all of this stuff & figure out what is going on not just between us, but also figure out what is going on with you. But until you get back & I am going to try my hardest to not be upset or cry. It's just really hard at times because I am always around couples & it just makes me miss you even more.. Or even when someone mentions something about you or just says your name to me, it makes my heart beat faster & tears fill in my eyes. Or even yesterday when we were at Lillian's cheer comp, I was surrounded by couples. Especially on the way home when I was driving & Roxanne & Don were laying in the way back & Travis & Lillian were together in the back seats. & I would look over to the passenger seat & just wish you were sitting there talking to me & making me laugh & smile, instead of forcing myself not to cry wishing you were sitting next to me.. It made me miss you so much. Or even when I have something I only want to tell you, or when something happens & you're the only one that would understand why I got excited over it & you would just look at me, call me stupid & just laugh & hug me then kiss my forehead.. I really miss your forehead kisses when you hug me..
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