RANT.

OHMYGOSH. I can't take it anymore. I fucking miss you. I miss you so damn much. I'm laying in my bed right now just thinking about you. You're the only thing that has crossed my mind all damn day. No joke. I just miss everything about you. The way we kiss, the way you hugged me so damn tight when I just needed something to hold me, the way you always looked at me, that smile you always had on your face when we were together, that laugh you always made when I did something stupid, the way we would just lay in your bed & cuddle, the way you would pick me up & kiss me, all thoughts times at your house, the running around downstairs when you took my phone or did something, all the car rides home, shopping at the mall with your mom, going out to eat with your mom, playing video games together, taking cute/silly pictures, sitting on the bus together, the way my fingers fit perfectly right between yours, all the kisses on the forehead & cheek, face-timing while you were gone for a month, getting lost in the woods together, singing together even thought we're both not the best singers, you singing Spanish songs to me, all the late night phone calls, when we would stay up all night just texting each other how we felt about each other, how we would call each other bad names but know we don't mean them, the way you would tackle me into  your bed & start tickling me to death, the way we would pretend to fight each other & instead we would just push each other around, when we spend a whole weekend just me & you, how we would just being completely crazy together, how we would walk around base just for the hell of it, how we would trade phones for the weekend, how we were both so happy when we were together, how we loved each other & wasn't afraid to yell it to the whole world.. 

Ughhh.. Eduardo. I just miss everything. All our memories, the way we felt about each other, when we would hang out almost every day. I just miss it all.. But you know what I miss the most outta all of that up there? YOU. I miss you the most. I miss you more than anything in the world. I would seriously do anything to get all that back. I would do anything just to call you mine again. Just to be able to be held in your arms & know you're mine & I'm yours. I would do anything just to restart with you.. All the way back to the day we started dating the first time. August 15, 2013. Because we were both so happy back then. It was like nothing could come between us. That it was us against the world.. I just want another chance. Kinda like a second chance.. You know? 

Damn it.... I'm sitting here in my bed just thinking about everything. & how much I really do miss you.. & love you.. I just wish there was something I could do to make you realize all of this stuff I've been trying to tell you. Because I'm pretty sure you'd finally open your eyes & see what's been right in front of you since it all began. 

Eduardo, I love you. Please, don't you ever question that. I miss you more than anything right now. I just wish I had the guts to tell you all of this to your face. But who knows, maybe one day I will? 

~Erica Tulgetske.♡

January 28th, 2014. 

Unexplainable.♡

I'm sitting here on my laptop trying to find the perfect quote that fits us. & nothing is fitting. It gets so close to working. But then, something doesn't fit. it made me realize how unexplainable we really are. How no one will ever understand us. even if they study our every move. They just will never know. Because that's how we are. We show the world a different side of us because we know they won't understand it & judge us. So, we show them the "Us' we want to show them .The "Us'' we want them to think we are. But the thing is, they don't know how we are when they're not looking. Or can't see us. When it's just me & you, they don't know how we are. They don't know anything about us. They only know of us. Because that's what we want them to know. Of us, but nothing about us. They only know & see what we want them too. Because we don't want them to know what we do. How we are. Or anything that we don't want them to know about us. Why would we? So they can go & judge us? So they can copy the stuff we do. No thanks. Honestly, I don't even think we could explain "Us." Because how can you explain something that's not explainable? It's not impossible. But it's hard. & why would you want to spend all that time explaining to them about "Us." when we spend so much time trying to make it to where they only knew of "Us." but nothing about "Us." Because if we really wanted to explain it to them. We would have to show them. & why do that when you could be doing so many other things that actually matter?  You know what I mean? Haha, probably not. But then again, everyone has their own way of understand & explaining things. So, how knows honestly. Anyways, why would you want to try to explain something that's probably not even explainable to where people will truly understand it? Why waste your breathe when you could be showing them if you really wanted too. But that's what I love. How unexplainable we really are. Because I'm 99% sure no one really understands us. & honestly, I like that. Because then they can't judge us. They can't put there "opinion" or say in our relationship. Because they wouldn't even have a place to start. So we show them something that they can judge cause in the end. It really doesn't matter. Cause that's not the real us. Just the us we want to show them. No one will ever understand us. & honestly, maybe that's what I love. How they know of us. But nothing about us. ♡

Reasons Why I Write.

You know, there's reasons why I write blogs. Haha, here's the main reason why.
I write a lot of stuff that I want to tell you. What I need you to know & understand. & I'm always so excited to finally explain everything to you. But once I get over to your house. Or to where ever we end up talking. I always freeze up. & it's like my mind goes blank. I forget what I was about to say & I just sit there with a blank look on my face. I write blogs because when I lose focus I can just go reread the blog I made & I'll remember what I was talking about. 

Another reason why I blog/write is because sometimes I get to shy when I try to tell someone something. Like how I feel or want then to realize/understand something. So, I have them read the blog & then they can just ask questions & I'll just explain it more to them in more detail. There's so many reasons why I blog/write. Some people will just never understand those reasons. 

~Nevaeh Raine. 

January 6th, 2014. 

Please?

Okay, I've come to the conclusion that I need to talk to you in person. Fuck this texting shit. I need to see you. Just me & you. You know what, honestly. I don't even care if there's other people there. Then they'll probably understand how much you mean to me. & how much I fucking love you. I need to tell you everything that's on my mind. Tell you everything that you probably didn't even know what you were doing the whole time. Tell you how I really feel. Maybe then you'll actually realize how badly I want us to be together. & how I'm not lying when I say I'm going to wait for you. Because I am going to wait for you. No matter what. I've loved twice now. & the first time I "fall in love" is the reason why I'm so scared to feel that way again. He's the reason why I'm not going to give up on love again. Because to tell you the truth. I could have gotten him back. But, I didn't. I loved him but I decided to let him go. At the time I thought I was going to regret it. There was some days that I did. But, I haven't regretted it since before summer 2013 started. Because of you, Diego. & I even told you I was so terrified to love somebody again. Because of what he put me through. But, I decided to take the risk of putting my heart in someone else's hands just because you made me forget about all the pain that could come. 

OhMyGosh. Anyways, this is what I'm trying to get too.. I gave up on love once before. & I'm NOT doing it again. I made a promise to myself that if I ever felt the way I did or even close to the way I did the first time I ever loved. I wouldn't do what I did the first time & give up. So, I'm not going too. I'm going to fight & wait for what I love. & That's you, Diego. I fucking love you. & that's not going to change anytime soon. That's a promise. I'm not giving up or letting go. I'm just going to do what I've been doing. Maybe more. & wait for you to realize how much I love, care & want to be with you. Because honestly, I don't want to be with anyone else. You're the only one I want/need to be with. You're the only one I want to kiss, hug, cuddle with, fall asleep in each others arms, wake up next too, kiss good morning & goodnight, do cute boyfriend/girlfriend things with, take silly pictures with, run to when I need someone, make smile/happy, have stupid arguments with & just end up closer in the end, play fight/wrestle with, make love with, say 'I love you' too, sing together even though we may sound terrible but not care because we don't judge each other, make stupid/cute videos together, & so much more! You're seriously the only person I want to do anything with. I just wish you would understand that. & hopefully that's what I can explain to you once day, soon. Who knows, maybe I'll just let you read this blog & explain what ever you want/need me to explain. 
So, if you do read this. Just remember, I love you Diego. & I will wait for you. Because I'm not giving up on love again. That's a promise I made to myself. & I'm determined to keep this promise. I just hope you'll finally understand what I'm trying to tell you.. 

~Nevaeh Raine. 
January 3rd, 2014.

New Years Eve/New Years.♡

Well, lets just say my New Years started perfectly. I got to kiss Diego from the last minute of 2013 to the first minute of 2014. I just wish I could have spend the whole day with him. Or even today.. But, he had to leave afterwards because he had to go back home to celebrate with his family. & I was perfectly fine with that. Because it's his family. But, I still wish we could have hung out all day or even just that night. It would have been even more perfect. Because I would have been with him. & got to cuddle up to  him that night. & his him goodnight & good morning. But, I'm just happy I got to see him before 2013 ended. 
So, I just found out that Faith was over at Diego's house all New Years Eve. & even today.. I have been crying all day. I stop for about 5 minutes & then outta no where tears begin to fall down my face.. It just makes me think so much. Like, why would she be at his house? Why does she have to be at his house? I fucking hate it when she's at his house. I hate it so damn much. You'll never understand how much I really do hate it. Because I'll probably never tell you.. 
But this has been going through my head all damn day. You could have stayed at your house all day with Faith. But you didn't. You came to my house to get peroxide. & you literally kissed me outta no where. You were picking me up. Spinning me around. & kept kissing me. You wouldn't stop. I didn't want you to stop. & then you said you'll try to sneak out later so you can come hangout with me for a little. & you did. You texted me asking me if I was home alone. & I said yeah. & you told me you were going to come stop by for a little. & you literally came 15 minutes till midnight. & stayed at my house till about 5 minutes after midnight. You were my last & first kiss of 2013/2014. & I was yours! We both got the New Years kiss we've never got before. & the thing is, is you could have stayed at your house with Faith. & kissed her at midnight. But you didn't. You kissed me. & wanted to come to my house to hang out for a little. When she was at your house. It just makes me think so much. Like, why would you kiss me & come over to my house when you could have just stayed at your house & kissed Faith instead. Don't get me wrong or think I'm complaining. I'm beyond happy you didn't kiss her at midnight. But still, why? & you called me earlier saying that you weren't in the mood to do anything with Faith. You wouldn't talk to her or even touch her. But when you came to my house the first time you were so happy. & smiling & everything. You grabbed me & kissed me. You kissed me. But you couldn't even touch Faith? Do you not see what I'm getting at? If you don't & you end up reading this. I'll just explain it to you in person. Which I'm thinking about doing anyways. Haha. Because you really need to see what I'm trying to say. 
Ughh. I just hate the fact that she's at your house right now. & you're not even texting me back. So much over thinking going through my head right now.. & I can't stop crying. I've been crying on & off for the past 8 hours.. I just wanna be with you right now. I don't want you with her. Ughh. This hurts so fucking much. I think I'm just going to go to bed. Since you're not texting me back.  & I'm just sitting on my bed, listening to music waiting for you to exactly talk to me.. 
Yup, goodnight. Hopefully I'll get to explain what I was trying to say up there to you soon. When you're not with fucking Faith.. 

~Nevaeh Raine. 
January 2nd, 2014.