Dear me,

What the hell is wrong with you?

Do you not see what you have been putting yourself through?

You're just making it worse for yourself, are you fucking stupid?

You're so fucking pathetic. You're worthless. Why are you still here? Do you like fucking everything up? Look around, look at everything you have done. It's all your fault, every little damn thing.

You're suck a damn fuck up. You can't do anything right. You have deserved everything that has happened to you.

You're so depressed. You think about killing yourself everyday, but you never do it. Damn, you're fucking weak.

Just fucking kill yourself already, you will be doing so many people a favor.

Come on, pick up that razor. Swallow that hand full of pills, you'll slowly start to fade away. It's okay, stop being so fucking weak. You know you want to do it, so why not now. No one will miss you, I bet no now will even care.

You don't fucking matter to them. It's hilarious how you think they care about you, you're so damn clueless. If only you knew you much they all hate you.

Ha, just fucking kill yourself.

Why the hell do I care so much?

I just don't get it.

For over a damn year all I got was played & used. & I still fucking care about him, I care what he is doing. I still hate it when he hangs out with her. It still makes my heart drop & eyes fill with tears when I hear that they are hanging out or that they did something.

I went over a year dealing with this shit. He clams that he "loves" me. Bullshit, if he truly loves me then he wouldn't have done all the shit he did, & continued to do it.

All I asked from him was one damn thing, & that was to stop everything with fucking her. But nope, that's too hard to do. If he does that then the world would end. Holy shit, it wasn't that damn hard to just stop talking to her, but I guess it is.

Man, fuck this. Just thinking about all of this makes me realize why I am moving on, & going for someone a whole lot better. Fuck him, & his bullshit.

I don't even know why I care anymore. He never did, so why should I.

Soon..

Soon, I will be able to look at him & not think of you. I will be able to hug him & realize it is not you hugging me anymore. I will get used to kissing him instead of you. I will get used to his touch, & forget about yours. 

It is going to be hard, & it is going to take time. But in the end, I know it will be worth it. 

I hope it will be worth it.

I am scared..

This is hard, getting comfortable with a total new, different person. 

I forgot how shy I am. 

& I hate it. 

I wish I wouldn't have to get comfortable with someone new, but I have no other choice. 

This was my decision, & I am going to do what I need to do. Yes, this is hard. But it will be worth it, I know it. 

I am just scared all he wants is one thing, I know he doesn't. He's not that type of person, I am just scared that I am wrong. 

Yes, I have major trust issues now from my last relationship. But I will try not to let that effect this one. 

This is going to be hard, but not impossible.  

Goodbye.

You think I am going to chase after you, well I am not. 

You want to walk out of my life, I'll help & hold the damn door for you. 

I am not going to chase after someone who willingly descided to leave. & then call me a whore, I didn't do shit to you. I am sorry that I was your best friend, that I was there for you whenever the hell you needed me. I am sorry, it won't happen again. My mistake. 

But I do feel bad for you, I'll admit. You're literary letting yourself get walked over. You're more than likely not even realizing it, but you are. You're not speaking for yourself anymore, it's all coming from your little friend. She talks for you, she tells you want to say, what to do. What to text. You're like her little rag doll. 

But it doesn't matter right, as long as she's telling you what to do you'll be fine. 

Have fun losing people, & when you realized what she's doing to you & all of the people you've lost because of her. Remember those people are already gone. Because of you. 

Have a wonderful life, goodbye. 

I actually did it.

Well, I did it. 

I didn't want too, but I needed too. 

It took every strength I had to walk out of thar door & not turn around. I wanted too, but I felt like it was time for me to go.

So, I did. 

I am sorry for making you cry, I am sorry that I left you balling your eyes out. I am sorry I pushed you away when you kissed me. I am sorry for crying & getting make up on your shoulder. I am sorry for leaving without saying goodbye, I am sorry for leaving you when I knew you needed me.. 

I am sorry I had to let you go.  

It's that time.

It's time.

Time for me to let him go.

Yes, it is going to hurt like hell at first. But honestly, it's for the best.

I feel like I am waiting for nothing,

It's like waiting for it to rain in the desert, It's never going to happen.

Honestly, I am waiting for nothing. I have been waiting for over a year to be with you, & you haven't done shit. You've hurt me so many times, & I have just pushed it away. You had sex with my best fucking friend. & I forgave you for that. You were doing stuff behind my back, & I fucking forgave you. You've lied to me, so many times. & I have forgiven you. Wow, how stupid am I? You're never going to come back to me. It probably hasn't even crossed your mind once. All I wanted to do today was be with you, but you didn't want too. You never do stuff with me out in public, it's always in your house or in a different town/city. Like you don't want to be seen with me. At school, you act like I am a stranger to you. That I am nobody. Like I am your little secret. Well, I am sorry. But it's that time, for me to let you go. It's going to hurt, I am going to cry. But I know it's for the best. Because I know you're never going to stop playing this little game. & I am honestly tired of the drama, tired of getting hurt, tired of fucking crying.

You tell me you still love me & all of this shit. But then you go behind my fucking back & go have sex with her. It makes me feel like you don't care about me. That I mean nothing to you. What am I to you? A piece of paper that you can keep throwing away. Because you can. Well, it is time for me to be with someone that will actually want to be with me. & not play with my heart.

So, go be with her. Because I am done.

I am letting you go.

I can't fucking do this anymore.

I fucking hate this. 

You're hanging out with her right now! 

What the actual fuck!? 

You know I hate you two being together, you're suppose to be at soccer practice!! 

I am so pissed off & upset right now. I can't stop fucking crying. 

Holy shit!

Just please, don't do anything with her! 

Please, I am begging you. 

OhMyFuckingGosh, can you just stop!? Stop everything to do with her!? Stop talking to her, texting her, fucking hanging out with her! Just stop, please. I can't do this again, it hurts too much. Just please, leave her alone, & have her leave you alone. She'll find someone else. I promise you that, she'll actually move on. You two will finally be completely over with!

Just please, Eduardo. I am begging you. 

It just hurts so much... 

You say you still love me, but then you do this. It makes no sense! 

OhMyGosh, please. I don't want to cry anymore.. Just please.... 

Why are you doing this?

I just don't understand. 

Why do you want to ruin my life? 

Can you please explain to me what I did to make you want to do this to me? 

I bet you're proud of yourself. Getting exactly what you want, is that all you care about? Yourself. 

You know it's not true, but yet you are telling people it is. You're just trying to damn hard to ruin my life. To where I just end it myself. I am so depressed because of you, but you don't care. That's what you want. 

Go ahead, take everyone from me. 

Make my life not worth living. 

I just can't believe how horrible of a person you are. 

Congratulations. 

You're ruining my life. 

Happy? 

It's not true.

I know I have fucked up in the past. 

I know it's hard to believe me. 

I know I've "done" it before. 

But, I also know that it's not true. 

That would never happen. I would never let that happen. Why the hell would I want to ruin my life on propose? I wouldn't even do that even if I was shit faced drunk. I just wouldn't. I couldn't. 

But, no one believes me. 

In a way, I don't blame them. Because I have fucked up before. 

But then again, why would I want to do something like that again? When last time  it destoryed my life & myself. 

I just need you to believe me. 

Eduardo, it didn't happened. He didn't even take advantage of me. It didn't happen at all. I know that. I just need you to trust me. To believe me.. I know I have lied in the past, but I wouldn't lie about something like this again. If it did happen, I would have told you! I wouldn't have wanted you to find out from someone else. But, it didn't happen! I told you so many times what happened that day. & that's all what happened, I wish I could go back in time & show you. But, I can't.. 

It didn't happen. & I am sorry for what people have done, & put both of us through. I am so sorry, Eduardo. 

I would have never thought a lie could go this far, until now.. 

What the fuck?

What the actual fuck? 

You just walk right out of my life. No warning or anything. & then just deside to come back? What the fuck. 

No, you can't do that. Not to me. You hurt me so fucking bad. Left me with so many questions, what did I do? Was I that bad of a friend? Did you even care about me? Was everything just a lie? 

You were my best fucking friend, the one tha I went to everything for. Told you every little thing. You weren't just a best friend to me, you were my god damn sister. But not anymore, sisters or even best friends don't do that. You were the one person that has never left me. I forgave you for the most fucked up thing. Because you were my best friend! I put what you did behind me. Like it never happened. & then you just decided to get up & leave, without saying anything? That fucked with my head so bad. & now you've decided to come back? 

Do you have any idea how bad that fucks with my head!? I can't trust you anymore. For now, I just can't. But I can't tell for in the future. Because what if you just decide to leave again? I can't go through all of that again. 

I just don't know anymore. 

I don't care. 

Their just friends.

Their just friends. 

Eduardo & Katy are just friends. 

Their just friends. Their just friends. Their just friends. Their just friends. Their just friends. Their just friends. Their just friends. Their just friends. Their just friends. Their just friends. Their just friends. Their just friends. Their just friends. Their just friends. Their just friends. Their just friends. Their just friends. Their just friends. Their just friends. Their just friends. Their just friends. Their just friends. Their just friends. Their just friends. Their just friends. Their just friends. Their just friends. Their just friends. Their just friends. Their just friends. Their just friends. Their just friends. Their just friends. Their just friends. Their just friends. Their just friends. Their just friends. Their just friends. Their just friends. Their just friends. Their just friends. Their just friends. Their just friends. Their just friends. Their just friends. Their just friends. Their just friends. Their just friends. Their just friends. Their just friends. Their just friends. Their just friends. Their just friends. Their just friends. Their just friends. Their just friends. Their just friends. Their just friends. Their just friends. Their just friends. Their just friends. Their just friends. Their just friends. Their just friends. Their just friends. Their just friends. Their just friends. Their just friends. Their just friends. Their just friends. Their just friends. Their just friends. Their just friends. Their just friends. Their just friends. Their just friends. Their just friends. Their just friends. Their just friends. Their just friends. Their just friends. Their just friends. Their just friends. Their just friends. 

I just don't matter.

I feel like I just don't matter anymore. Like I could just die & no one would notice. 

Like I am just a waste of space. 

No one seems to care about me anymore. I feel like my feelings just don't matter anymore. People can hurt me & just laugh about it. Like it doesn't affect me at all, when it does. But they don't care, as long as their happy that's all that matters to them. They don't care that they are distroying my life & me. That their hurting me so bad to where I just don't want to be here anymore. 

You know, if I would have just heard that at school I would have laughed. Like, "Are you kidding me? That's hilarious that someone would make up a lie like that. Do they not have anything better to do?" But I didn't hear it like that, I heard it from the one person that means the absolute world to me. & it wasn't in a good, laughing way. It was in the way that I just wanted to ball my eyes out because a stupid, messed up lie was starting to ruin my life. I wouldn't have cared, but it was effecting my relationship with the person I love the most. & I instantly started thinking I was going to lose him. Which I just can't handle. Everyone knows that. But that's when it started to get to me. Because I cannot lose anymore people in my life, especially him. 

I am sorry, I can't write anymore. 

I just can't right now. 

I just don't understand,

How can people be so cruel? Why would people purposely try to ruin someone's life? Make it to where they don't want to live anymore? I just don't get it. 

What did I ever do to you three? Because I honestly don't remember what I did to make you guys want to ruin everything for me. But, I bet you three are happy. You guys are almost getting what you want, for my life to be ruined. Congratulations. I am so fucking happy for you guys. Do you want me to throw you a party to celebrate? I am sorry, but I just can't get over how sick of people you guys really are. Like, wow. Are you trying to make it to where I am depressed? To where my life is completely over? Because I'll admit, if that's it, then you're already half way there. Because I am depressed, are you happy now? I have been crying so damn much in the past four days, all because of you three. So, congrats. You guys got what you wanted. I hope you guys are proud of what you did, & who you became. 

Just one cut..

I just can't stop thinking about it. 

How I could just pick up that blade & make just one simple cut. 

Maybe more.. 

I have thought about it way to much lately, it just won't get out of my head. But I am staying strong, until I can't be strong anymore. 

I am holding back that urge as much as I can. 

I can't let the blade win this time. Even if I want it too. 

Fuck it.

I have noting to say, once again..

My mind is blank. 

You know, I miss falling asleep with a smile in my face & waking up the same way. I miss knowing I was the reason for your smile.. Fuck. I just really miss you. You're the only thing on my mind 24/7. 

Eh, fuck it. 

What I have to say doesn't matter anymore. Never did, never will. 

Won't change anything in the end, so fuck it. 

I want to be numb..

Honestly, I have nothing to say. 

Actually, more like speechless... 

Are you happy you hurt me? 

Does it help you sleep better at night knowing I am in pain & trying not to cry myself to sleep like the other nights. 

You know, I haven't been able to sleep good sense the last time we spoke...

Your voice keeps replaying in my head.. 

The memory of you, doesn't leave my lonely mind. Crawling with thoughts of me & you.. 

I don't know what to do.. 

My whole body... Numb. 

To be honest, I don't want to feel anymore... 

I am in too much pain.. No one understands how I am feeling...

I want to die... 

I am not as strong as I used to be... 

My heart, is broken. Into a million little pieces.. 

But you don't care.

You're going with your life... 

Not worrying about mine... 

I Just Don't Know..

Things I have to say; 

I don't know.. 

Sorry...

I FUCKING LOVE YOU.

Can you not see how much I love you? How much you mean to me? How much I just wish I could call you mine, again? 

I guess not.. 

Well, you know what. I don't even know what to do anymore, I don't even know what to say anymore either. The only thing I know I can say, is "I love you." Because I do, so fucking much. & I guess no one will even understand, so whatever. 

Strangers..?

You know, I hate this. I really fucking hate this. 

I feel like we're strangers.. I hate it. I don't want to be strangers. But everytime I see you out in public, it's like I don't know you. We talk, but not like we used too. I would go up to you & say something, but I feel like you don't want to talk to me. I feel weird.. I want to just go up to you & hug you. Kiss you maybe. But I can't.. You're not mine.. & I hate it. I wish you were. But, you're not.. & it sucks so bad. Anyways, I wish we were how we are at your house, but in public. If you understand what I mean.. Like, when we are at your house, how we are. It's like we're dating. I love it. You kiss me, play around with me, I can by myself when in around you at your house, it's amazing. But when we're in public, it's a total different story.. It's like I don't exist to you. Like you just look right past me, yeah you say, "hey" or "hi" but it's not the same. I wish you'd put the same effort in how you do at your house but around other people too. Yeah, that kinda confused me. But whatever.. 

Anyways, I just hate how we act like strangers around other people.. It makes me feel like I'm just not good enough for you anymore.. I literally go home & just want to cry.. I do sometimes.. But, still. I hate this, I just want to be yours. I want to be happy, because even if I see you at the beach or something. I'll literally just go right up to you, kiss you. & I will be all good, because I'll know that you're mine. & I am yours. You won't cheat on me, & I won't cheat on you. Honestly, life would be amazing. I would be so fuckkng happy. & I hope you would be too. But, right now. We are just a thing.. & I'm not going to complain. Because I would rather be a thing than nothing at all. 

Ugh, I don't even know anymore. I just wish we were together. I miss you so much. You're seriously my everything, the first thing I think of when in the morning. & the last thing I think about right before I go to bed. I love you with literally every piece of my heart, believe it or not. 

I don't know what to say anymore.. I'm trying so hard not to cry right now, but I'm not going to lie. A few tears have fallen down my face tonight.. I just don't know anymore... I'm just over thinking too much.. Ughhh. I don't know, whatever.. 

Erica.. 

July 5th, 2014. 

Freaking out..

I'm so scared for later on.. We're finally going to talk. Shit. What do I say? What if I cry? What if you actully let me go....? What am I going to do..

It's going to hurt. 

I'm just not going to be able to handle it.. 

I'm in love with you, how could I let things get this bad? Am I seriously that fucking stupid? I guess so. I'm just praying later, when we talk, goes good. That I won't lose you. That maybe, just maybe, this will be the start of something new with us. & a good new start, not bad. 

I'm just so scared. You have no idea. 

If you actully let me go this time, I'm going to lose it. I'm just not going to be able to do anything. 

I'm going to get depressed, I know it.. It's going to hit me so hard.. 

But, like I've been saying & doing. I'll just go numb.. To where I can't feel anything. Maybe that's the better choice if this all goes horrible.. Because it's going to hurt, so bad. Like a just got stabbed repeatedly in the back.. 

I just can't handle losing you.. 

~Erica.. 

June 30, 2014. 

Out of words.

It's 1:58 a.m. 

You're the only thing that has crossed my mind all night. 

I can't sleep. & maybe it's because I'm thinking about you. Yeah, probably. 

It's just, nevermind. My words obviously don't matter. So why say anything? You obviously don't listen. So why bother? I've literally said 95% of everything I wanted to say to you in this past year of 'us.' I said 95% because I know there's stuff I have left out. Either because I forgot, or thought it wouldn't matter. But, it's whatever. 

I just don't know what to say, I'm completely out of words. 

~Erica. 

June 27, 2014. 

I can't handle this.

I miss you. 

I really miss you. 

I really fucking miss you. 

 

How could you do this to me? You know I can't handle it. & you know I'm beyond depressed now. But, I'm pretty sure you don't know what mean when I say I've gotten depressed. Because I promised you I wouldn't cut anymore, but I broke that promise. Just like how you broke your promise that you'd never leave me. But you did.. I still can't believe it. Because in a way it doesn't feel like you're gone. That there's still a part of me that has it that you're still with me. But, you let me go. You fucking let me go. What is wrong with you? You knew that would destroy me. But you did it anyways. You knew I wouldn't be able to handle it. Fuck, I was balling my eyes out on the phone the whole time we were on the phone. Didn't that tell you anything? That your words were hurting me. I know you, you tried so hard not to care. & I'll give you props, you made it believeable for a little bit. Until I remember who you are, you always care. You always will. No matter how bad you try not too. But you pulled off a good act, congratulations. I'm so fucking proud of you. Ha, that actually explains a lot. Why you wouldn't say anything when you realize how bad I was crying, or heard me crying. Because I know you knew I was, you know me. How couldn't you know.  You knew right that second that I was broken. That my heart was in a million pieces on the ground right beneath me. But, you didn't care right? Ha, what a joke. You really know how to put up an act. But you cared, we all know that. You wouldn't say a word. You stayed quit, you felt like shit. You knew you were hurting me. & you will do. But you think this is for the "best." Literally two minutes before we got off the phone, you were getting upset. You were hurting yourself, you just didn't want to believe it. You're voice was so soft, like you didn't want to be heard. The moment you said, "I'll talk to you soon." I could barely hear you, it was like a whisper. Voice so quite & soft. That's when I realized you were hurting too. Before that, you were saying you might be making the biggest mistake of your life, losing the best thing you could ever have. Why would you say all that to me? Just why?! Were you trying to get to something? You kept saying you might regret doing this, but do you really believe that? 

You're so fucking stupid. But I love you. 

You're a complete asshole at times, but I still love you the same. 

You can treat me like shit, & my feelings stil don't change for you. 

Do you not realize how much I fucking love you? Because I highly doubt you do. 

God damn it, I hate how much I love you at times. Because I know it's just hurting me more. 

You're so fucking blind. 

OPEN YOUR DAMN EYES. Please. 

~Erica. 

June 26, 2014. 

I just wasn't good enough..

I hate this. 

I fucking hate this. 

I just can't take this anymore.. 

It's gotten too bad, too fast.. & I can't stop it. 

I don't know what to do.. I'm so depressed. I don't even have a current feeling anymore. I'm just... Numb. I can't feel a thing, & that could be a good thing. But for right now, it's not. I've been cutting, just to make sure I'm still alive. To make sure I can still feel.. & sadly, I can. To be honest, I don't want to feel anymore. I don't even want to be here anymore. I've thought about suicide so many times in just the last three days.. & I'll be completely honest, I'm thinking about it again, right now. 

I just can't take the pain anymore, you have no idea how much this fucking hurts. 

How much I'm fucking in love with you. You just have no idea, do you? 

I guess not. Since you've, "let me go." I can't handle this, & you know it. Not talking you, sucks. Not seeing, just sucks even worse. & you know what's funny, I'm still wanting for you to text me & tell me you've made a mistake.. I'm still waiting for you to miss me.. I guess I just wasn't good enough for you, which hurts like a bitch. Since that's all I've ever wanted to be for you.. Well, I'm sorry. I'm just me.. 

I'm sorry I wasn't good enough.. 

~Erica.. 

June 25th, 2014. 

Living Hell.

Just fucking great. 

Well.. My life is officially a living hell.🔫 The guy I'm completely in love with, let me go. He called me & explained the reason, & he just does trust me. Which sucks so fucking bad. We were on the phone for an hour an a half. & I was crying the whole time.. It just hurts knowing I lost the guy I love.. The last words he said was, "I'll talk to you soon." & I said, "Not soon enough.." & he said, "Well.. Bye.." & I said, "Bye.." With tears pouring down my face. Right when the phone hung up, I lost it. I went in side & the first thing I did was grab a blade.. I wanted to end my life right that second. But it got to the point where I just feel numb, I have no emotions anymore. I cut last night so many times, just to make sure I could still feel & to make sure I was still alive.. Even when I didn't want to be. Today I feel like complete shit... I am numb. 

~OneDepressedBitch.🔫 

June 25th, 2014. 

One Whole Year.♡

Today's June 15th.. & I don't even have to explain why I said that. I just can't believe it's been a whole year, damn haha. But anyways, I seriously miss you so much. You have no idea.. You haven't left my mind once. I'm always thinking about you.. OhMyGosh.. I'm going to start crying.. I miss you more than anything. I know you're only gone for two weeks, but it feels like so much longer because I can't talk you.. & you have no idea how bad that sucks. Cause I have so much I need to talk to you about, & just so much I have to tell you. Nothing bad, of course. Haha. But still, when you come back I'm just hoping everything is the same. Well, maybe not exactly the same. For some reasons, but I'm not explaining that on here.. But, I just wish you were here. I miss you so much.. I've literally cried because of it, I keep telling myself that you'll be back & thinking positive so I don't cry.. It's only worked a few times. I just hope you're having a fun time in Peru! & I'll see you when you come back, hopefully.♡ 

I love you Eduardo, don't forget that.♡

~AGirlWhoMissesTheGuySheLoves..

June 15, 2014. 

A whole year.♡ 

I Can't Do This Anymore..

I feel like you're gone. & your not coming back this time.. I need you more than anything right now. But, I know you're hurt. It makes since now. All of this. Why you bring it up everyday. It's because it's still hurting you. I'm so sorry... I was stupid & didn't know what I was doing. Or getting myself into. 

The fact that you're not even talking to me or even looking at me on the bus is killing me. I just wanna talk to you. I can't lose you.. But, I think I already have.. I just wanna cry right now. The tears are forming in my eyes but I'm trying to hard not to let them fall.. But, I know sometime today they are. & I'm not going to be able to stop them.. They are just going to start running down my face.. I just can't do this. I need you in my life. I just need you back.. You don't understand no one understands. You mean everything to me. & just watching you put your head down & not say a single word to me, hurts. More than anything.. I can literally feel my eyes hurting & burning. Because I wore them out crying too much yesterday.. It got to the point to where I thought I wouldn't be able to cry anymore. Because of how much I did last night. I just wish you'd understand. & I hope you'll let me tal to you later. Because I can't lose you. I just can't.. If I lose you, I wouldn't know what to do. My mind would go crazy. Like it is right now, but worse. Holding back the tears is getting worse. All I know is, if you don't talk to me at all today.. I'll know I've lost you this time.. & right then & there tears will be rushing down my face.. 

I just can't do this anymore. I need you back. If I can't talk to you & explain everything to you later. I don't know what I'm going to do.. They would just turn into words unspoken.. That are bottled up in my head wanting to come outta my mouth.. 

~Neaveh Raine.. 

February 25th, 2014. 

Please, Just Listen.

I can't take this.. I feel like I've lost you. & that's the one thing I cat handle. Is losing the one I love completely. I just can't take it anymore. All day I've been trying my hardest not to cry. I've been holding back so much. It's not funny. Everytime I see him I start tearing up to the point where I have to go into the bathroom because I know I'm face is red & I don't want people seeing me cry. I have been doing so good. I can't break now. I just can't. But, I'm so close too. Just typing all this is making me tear up. I just can't handle even the thought of losing him.. 

I'm just hoping everything I'm thinking right now, & worrying about is all false. That I'm not losing him & that he's not going to pick her... I'm so scared right now it's not even a joke. At this point I just want to go up to him & hug him. I just need a hug. I just need to know everything is going to be okay... 

No. I need to talk to you. I can't lose you. I need to talk to you, face to face. Not over the phone of anything. I'm just scared & have a lot on my mind. I just need to you listen. That's all. For you to let me express everything I have been bottling up all weekend & today. Just let it all out. & for you to just listen & think about what I'm saying. & then when I am all done, I don't even care if I'm already crying, for you to say everything back what is in your head. The truth. Not even 1% of a lie. 100% truth. That's all I need to do today. & I'm hoping I get the chance to do that today. 

~Nevaeh Raine. 

February 24th, 2014. 

 

I Want Her To Be Happy Too..

You know, I have been thinking.. A lot. & I always put other peoples happiness before myself. & just today I was doing that again. I was reading mine & Faiths old blogger we shared. & she wrote a blog all about Diego. I didn't read it all. Just little pieces. Because I knew I would start crying if I read the whole thing. But what really got to me & made me think was at the end, there was a shit ton of pictures of them two together. & 99% of all of those pictures.. I took. I remember I was their, "Photographer." I would always take pictures of them. & it just made me think. Right when I seen the third to last picture I just started balling my eyes out.. Because I just want everyone to be happy. & I was at the point of texting Diego & asking him if I could go over to his house tomorrow after school & talk to him. I was going to tell him if he really does like her. & all that. Then just go to her. Because I want her to be happy & I want him to be happy. & I know sheafe him happy before. So why can't he make him happy again? I don't know if she still can or not. Only he knows that. But anyways, I just want them to be happy. Because I still care about her. Yeah, I act like I hate her & all this. But i will always care about her. Always. Even if she pisses me off so bad to where I was to kill her. I would still care about her. & I want her to be happy. & I want him to be

happy. 

ANYWAYS, I was about to text him to ask if we could talk tomorrow because I was gong to tell him, to just go to her. Go be with her. Make her happy. But, right when I started thinking about all of this. 8 started balling my eyes out.. Because I don't want them to be together. Yes, I want her to be happy. But not with him. Because for once, I want to be happy again. She already got her "second chance" with him. & look where that ended at. She got her second chance. It's done & over with. 

OhMyGosh. I don't even know where I'm trying to get to in this. I honestly think it's fair to say I can't explain anything through texting anymore. Because I can't even explain what I'm trying to say in this. Well, I guess I'll try too.. 

What I am trying to say is, yes. I want her to be happy. I really do. But, I don't want her to be happy with him. I want her to be happy with someone else. Not him. 

I can't even finish this.. I'm going to start crying.. 

~Nevaeh Raine. 

February 24th, 2014. 

It's All My Fault..

Everything is my fault at this point. & I'm not going to disagree with that. Because just look at the situation, it was all me. Everything was. Everything that is going on right now. All the drama just everything. It's my fault why I lost everyone. Why I have no one. Why I don't even have someone to talk to anymore. In school, it's just me. I'm all alone. I walk to class, alone. I barely talk to anyone. I walk to the buses, alone. All day it's just me & my headphones. & at the end of the day.. I can't help but think it's all my fault. Even if someone gave my a lecher of how it's not my fault. I can't help but think it is..
Okay.. I'm done talk about this. I'm about to ball my eyes out.. I just can't do this. I have fucking no one. I'm alone. Every single day.. I know people think I'm strong & can get through a lot. But the truth is.. I can't. Especially alone..
Yup, I'm done.. I'm balling my eyes out & can barely see the screen..

~Nevaeh Raine.
February 5, 2014.

RANT.

OHMYGOSH. I can't take it anymore. I fucking miss you. I miss you so damn much. I'm laying in my bed right now just thinking about you. You're the only thing that has crossed my mind all damn day. No joke. I just miss everything about you. The way we kiss, the way you hugged me so damn tight when I just needed something to hold me, the way you always looked at me, that smile you always had on your face when we were together, that laugh you always made when I did something stupid, the way we would just lay in your bed & cuddle, the way you would pick me up & kiss me, all thoughts times at your house, the running around downstairs when you took my phone or did something, all the car rides home, shopping at the mall with your mom, going out to eat with your mom, playing video games together, taking cute/silly pictures, sitting on the bus together, the way my fingers fit perfectly right between yours, all the kisses on the forehead & cheek, face-timing while you were gone for a month, getting lost in the woods together, singing together even thought we're both not the best singers, you singing Spanish songs to me, all the late night phone calls, when we would stay up all night just texting each other how we felt about each other, how we would call each other bad names but know we don't mean them, the way you would tackle me into  your bed & start tickling me to death, the way we would pretend to fight each other & instead we would just push each other around, when we spend a whole weekend just me & you, how we would just being completely crazy together, how we would walk around base just for the hell of it, how we would trade phones for the weekend, how we were both so happy when we were together, how we loved each other & wasn't afraid to yell it to the whole world.. 

Ughhh.. Eduardo. I just miss everything. All our memories, the way we felt about each other, when we would hang out almost every day. I just miss it all.. But you know what I miss the most outta all of that up there? YOU. I miss you the most. I miss you more than anything in the world. I would seriously do anything to get all that back. I would do anything just to call you mine again. Just to be able to be held in your arms & know you're mine & I'm yours. I would do anything just to restart with you.. All the way back to the day we started dating the first time. August 15, 2013. Because we were both so happy back then. It was like nothing could come between us. That it was us against the world.. I just want another chance. Kinda like a second chance.. You know? 

Damn it.... I'm sitting here in my bed just thinking about everything. & how much I really do miss you.. & love you.. I just wish there was something I could do to make you realize all of this stuff I've been trying to tell you. Because I'm pretty sure you'd finally open your eyes & see what's been right in front of you since it all began. 

Eduardo, I love you. Please, don't you ever question that. I miss you more than anything right now. I just wish I had the guts to tell you all of this to your face. But who knows, maybe one day I will? 

~Erica Tulgetske.♡

January 28th, 2014. 

Unexplainable.♡

I'm sitting here on my laptop trying to find the perfect quote that fits us. & nothing is fitting. It gets so close to working. But then, something doesn't fit. it made me realize how unexplainable we really are. How no one will ever understand us. even if they study our every move. They just will never know. Because that's how we are. We show the world a different side of us because we know they won't understand it & judge us. So, we show them the "Us' we want to show them .The "Us'' we want them to think we are. But the thing is, they don't know how we are when they're not looking. Or can't see us. When it's just me & you, they don't know how we are. They don't know anything about us. They only know of us. Because that's what we want them to know. Of us, but nothing about us. They only know & see what we want them too. Because we don't want them to know what we do. How we are. Or anything that we don't want them to know about us. Why would we? So they can go & judge us? So they can copy the stuff we do. No thanks. Honestly, I don't even think we could explain "Us." Because how can you explain something that's not explainable? It's not impossible. But it's hard. & why would you want to spend all that time explaining to them about "Us." when we spend so much time trying to make it to where they only knew of "Us." but nothing about "Us." Because if we really wanted to explain it to them. We would have to show them. & why do that when you could be doing so many other things that actually matter?  You know what I mean? Haha, probably not. But then again, everyone has their own way of understand & explaining things. So, how knows honestly. Anyways, why would you want to try to explain something that's probably not even explainable to where people will truly understand it? Why waste your breathe when you could be showing them if you really wanted too. But that's what I love. How unexplainable we really are. Because I'm 99% sure no one really understands us. & honestly, I like that. Because then they can't judge us. They can't put there "opinion" or say in our relationship. Because they wouldn't even have a place to start. So we show them something that they can judge cause in the end. It really doesn't matter. Cause that's not the real us. Just the us we want to show them. No one will ever understand us. & honestly, maybe that's what I love. How they know of us. But nothing about us. ♡

Reasons Why I Write.

You know, there's reasons why I write blogs. Haha, here's the main reason why.
I write a lot of stuff that I want to tell you. What I need you to know & understand. & I'm always so excited to finally explain everything to you. But once I get over to your house. Or to where ever we end up talking. I always freeze up. & it's like my mind goes blank. I forget what I was about to say & I just sit there with a blank look on my face. I write blogs because when I lose focus I can just go reread the blog I made & I'll remember what I was talking about. 

Another reason why I blog/write is because sometimes I get to shy when I try to tell someone something. Like how I feel or want then to realize/understand something. So, I have them read the blog & then they can just ask questions & I'll just explain it more to them in more detail. There's so many reasons why I blog/write. Some people will just never understand those reasons. 

~Nevaeh Raine. 

January 6th, 2014. 

Please?

Okay, I've come to the conclusion that I need to talk to you in person. Fuck this texting shit. I need to see you. Just me & you. You know what, honestly. I don't even care if there's other people there. Then they'll probably understand how much you mean to me. & how much I fucking love you. I need to tell you everything that's on my mind. Tell you everything that you probably didn't even know what you were doing the whole time. Tell you how I really feel. Maybe then you'll actually realize how badly I want us to be together. & how I'm not lying when I say I'm going to wait for you. Because I am going to wait for you. No matter what. I've loved twice now. & the first time I "fall in love" is the reason why I'm so scared to feel that way again. He's the reason why I'm not going to give up on love again. Because to tell you the truth. I could have gotten him back. But, I didn't. I loved him but I decided to let him go. At the time I thought I was going to regret it. There was some days that I did. But, I haven't regretted it since before summer 2013 started. Because of you, Diego. & I even told you I was so terrified to love somebody again. Because of what he put me through. But, I decided to take the risk of putting my heart in someone else's hands just because you made me forget about all the pain that could come. 

OhMyGosh. Anyways, this is what I'm trying to get too.. I gave up on love once before. & I'm NOT doing it again. I made a promise to myself that if I ever felt the way I did or even close to the way I did the first time I ever loved. I wouldn't do what I did the first time & give up. So, I'm not going too. I'm going to fight & wait for what I love. & That's you, Diego. I fucking love you. & that's not going to change anytime soon. That's a promise. I'm not giving up or letting go. I'm just going to do what I've been doing. Maybe more. & wait for you to realize how much I love, care & want to be with you. Because honestly, I don't want to be with anyone else. You're the only one I want/need to be with. You're the only one I want to kiss, hug, cuddle with, fall asleep in each others arms, wake up next too, kiss good morning & goodnight, do cute boyfriend/girlfriend things with, take silly pictures with, run to when I need someone, make smile/happy, have stupid arguments with & just end up closer in the end, play fight/wrestle with, make love with, say 'I love you' too, sing together even though we may sound terrible but not care because we don't judge each other, make stupid/cute videos together, & so much more! You're seriously the only person I want to do anything with. I just wish you would understand that. & hopefully that's what I can explain to you once day, soon. Who knows, maybe I'll just let you read this blog & explain what ever you want/need me to explain. 
So, if you do read this. Just remember, I love you Diego. & I will wait for you. Because I'm not giving up on love again. That's a promise I made to myself. & I'm determined to keep this promise. I just hope you'll finally understand what I'm trying to tell you.. 

~Nevaeh Raine. 
January 3rd, 2014.

New Years Eve/New Years.♡

Well, lets just say my New Years started perfectly. I got to kiss Diego from the last minute of 2013 to the first minute of 2014. I just wish I could have spend the whole day with him. Or even today.. But, he had to leave afterwards because he had to go back home to celebrate with his family. & I was perfectly fine with that. Because it's his family. But, I still wish we could have hung out all day or even just that night. It would have been even more perfect. Because I would have been with him. & got to cuddle up to  him that night. & his him goodnight & good morning. But, I'm just happy I got to see him before 2013 ended. 
So, I just found out that Faith was over at Diego's house all New Years Eve. & even today.. I have been crying all day. I stop for about 5 minutes & then outta no where tears begin to fall down my face.. It just makes me think so much. Like, why would she be at his house? Why does she have to be at his house? I fucking hate it when she's at his house. I hate it so damn much. You'll never understand how much I really do hate it. Because I'll probably never tell you.. 
But this has been going through my head all damn day. You could have stayed at your house all day with Faith. But you didn't. You came to my house to get peroxide. & you literally kissed me outta no where. You were picking me up. Spinning me around. & kept kissing me. You wouldn't stop. I didn't want you to stop. & then you said you'll try to sneak out later so you can come hangout with me for a little. & you did. You texted me asking me if I was home alone. & I said yeah. & you told me you were going to come stop by for a little. & you literally came 15 minutes till midnight. & stayed at my house till about 5 minutes after midnight. You were my last & first kiss of 2013/2014. & I was yours! We both got the New Years kiss we've never got before. & the thing is, is you could have stayed at your house with Faith. & kissed her at midnight. But you didn't. You kissed me. & wanted to come to my house to hang out for a little. When she was at your house. It just makes me think so much. Like, why would you kiss me & come over to my house when you could have just stayed at your house & kissed Faith instead. Don't get me wrong or think I'm complaining. I'm beyond happy you didn't kiss her at midnight. But still, why? & you called me earlier saying that you weren't in the mood to do anything with Faith. You wouldn't talk to her or even touch her. But when you came to my house the first time you were so happy. & smiling & everything. You grabbed me & kissed me. You kissed me. But you couldn't even touch Faith? Do you not see what I'm getting at? If you don't & you end up reading this. I'll just explain it to you in person. Which I'm thinking about doing anyways. Haha. Because you really need to see what I'm trying to say. 
Ughh. I just hate the fact that she's at your house right now. & you're not even texting me back. So much over thinking going through my head right now.. & I can't stop crying. I've been crying on & off for the past 8 hours.. I just wanna be with you right now. I don't want you with her. Ughh. This hurts so fucking much. I think I'm just going to go to bed. Since you're not texting me back.  & I'm just sitting on my bed, listening to music waiting for you to exactly talk to me.. 
Yup, goodnight. Hopefully I'll get to explain what I was trying to say up there to you soon. When you're not with fucking Faith.. 

~Nevaeh Raine. 
January 2nd, 2014.