I can't handle this.

I miss you. 

I really miss you. 

I really fucking miss you. 

 

How could you do this to me? You know I can't handle it. & you know I'm beyond depressed now. But, I'm pretty sure you don't know what mean when I say I've gotten depressed. Because I promised you I wouldn't cut anymore, but I broke that promise. Just like how you broke your promise that you'd never leave me. But you did.. I still can't believe it. Because in a way it doesn't feel like you're gone. That there's still a part of me that has it that you're still with me. But, you let me go. You fucking let me go. What is wrong with you? You knew that would destroy me. But you did it anyways. You knew I wouldn't be able to handle it. Fuck, I was balling my eyes out on the phone the whole time we were on the phone. Didn't that tell you anything? That your words were hurting me. I know you, you tried so hard not to care. & I'll give you props, you made it believeable for a little bit. Until I remember who you are, you always care. You always will. No matter how bad you try not too. But you pulled off a good act, congratulations. I'm so fucking proud of you. Ha, that actually explains a lot. Why you wouldn't say anything when you realize how bad I was crying, or heard me crying. Because I know you knew I was, you know me. How couldn't you know.  You knew right that second that I was broken. That my heart was in a million pieces on the ground right beneath me. But, you didn't care right? Ha, what a joke. You really know how to put up an act. But you cared, we all know that. You wouldn't say a word. You stayed quit, you felt like shit. You knew you were hurting me. & you will do. But you think this is for the "best." Literally two minutes before we got off the phone, you were getting upset. You were hurting yourself, you just didn't want to believe it. You're voice was so soft, like you didn't want to be heard. The moment you said, "I'll talk to you soon." I could barely hear you, it was like a whisper. Voice so quite & soft. That's when I realized you were hurting too. Before that, you were saying you might be making the biggest mistake of your life, losing the best thing you could ever have. Why would you say all that to me? Just why?! Were you trying to get to something? You kept saying you might regret doing this, but do you really believe that? 

You're so fucking stupid. But I love you. 

You're a complete asshole at times, but I still love you the same. 

You can treat me like shit, & my feelings stil don't change for you. 

Do you not realize how much I fucking love you? Because I highly doubt you do. 

God damn it, I hate how much I love you at times. Because I know it's just hurting me more. 

You're so fucking blind. 

OPEN YOUR DAMN EYES. Please. 

~Erica. 

June 26, 2014.