Hurts So Much..

I don't even know what to think right now. I'm sitting here at Diego's house. & his new girlfriend is here too. It hurts just looking at them. The only reason why I'm here is because Grace wants to hangout with her boyfriend. & I want her to be happy. Even though I'm not.. How can I be happy when I have to see her all over you. Her hugging you, cuddling with you, kissing you... It hurts so much. Yesterday, I literally started crying because of how much it hurt.. I was so happy when Grace's mom came to get us because I didn't want anyone to see me cry... I hate crying infront of people. So, I just hold it all in. & smile through the pain. I can't show anyone I'm hurting because then they will just use it against me. Faith will see & she'll enjoy it.. She'll just continue to do it. Because that'll make her happy.. Seeing me hurt & sad.  

I just honestly, want to leave. This hurts too much.. I'm holding back so much right now.. & no one even notices.. Grace told me yesterday when we got back to her house that she could tell I was hurting. Because she wouldn't stop asking if I was okay the whole time we were there. But, I just kept telling her I was fine. Because I didn't want anyone to know. I just told her I was fine. & smiled. Yeah, it was a fake smile but only a few people can tell when I have a fake smile on. & that's the people that know what my real smile looks like. Because everytime I'm with them I have a real smile on. Not a stupid fake one. I honesty hate faking a smile. It's so much work. But, it's all worth it. Because I don't want anyone knowing I'm hurt & depressed. Why would I? I'm not just going to tell people I'm depressed. Because then I'll be doing it for attention.. & I hate attention. So, I just hold it all in. Like everything is perfectly fine. When really.. Life hurts. 

If only they knew how much pain I'm in everyday. Especially the past two days watching him be with someone else.. It hurts like hell. It feels like someone is literally ripping my heart out of my chest. But, no one knows that. Because I don't want them to know. Why would I? So they can feel bad for me? & just say sorry when their really not? Why would they feel bad for me or say sorry? They didn't for anything wrong. They didn't make me feel like this. No one made me feel like this. It just happened. I don't know how & I don't know when. It just did. & I don't know how to stop it either.. Because I knew how to stop this pain. It would have already been stopped. Wait, I do know how to stop it. Because there's only one way I'll be 100% happy again. & that's with him. But, he's in a relationship. Yeah, he says he still loves me & all that. But how can I believe that when he's still with her..? He keeps telling me to do what I want to do. & do what will make me happy. How can I do what will make me happy when he's in a fricken relationship. & I can't do anything about it. Because trust me, if I could. I would have already done something about it. But I can't. He's happy with her. She's the reaso for his smile now. Not me.. & that hurts like a bitch... 

Ugh, I just can't do this anymore... I want his pain to stop. I want to be happy again. But he's the only one that can make me happy. & he doesn't understand that.. I wish he did. But, he just doesn't I guess. Ugh, I just wan him to be mine again. But, he's hers... This hurts more than anything. I love him & he loves me. But, he still chooses her.. & that just makes me want to cry.. 

~Nevaeh Raine. 

November 15th, 2013.