Everything Makes Sense Now.

Wow. I can't believe it took me this long to realize all this. You've cared this whole time. You have been pretending this whole time. Each time you told me you didn't like me anymore was a lie. You admitted it. You still have feelings for me. I don't know how much. All I know is they're there. & tonight they grew a little bit back. Wow, for once your feelings grew when mine stayed the same. I still can't get what you said outta my head. You want to move on. & you want me to move on. But, you're not ready to stop having sex? It makes no sense to me. Especially when we had sex, again. & this time your feelings actually grew.. Like, I just don't know what to think. You said to move on. But, you're always the one to kiss me first. You're always the one to make the first move.. & you tell me to move on.. Wow. I just realized all that. You are the one that does all that first. OhMyGosh.. Now I realize why you always kissed me. You said today. Your feelings started to grew more from the way we kiss.. That must mean your feelings have been growing all this time. & I just haven't noticed that. & you're telling me to stop hanging out with you. Because you don't want them to grow anymore. Cause you've said you're done dating me. & that's one thing you want to keep that you've said your done with. Dang.. I can't believe it's taken me this long to realize all this. I guess you were right when you said I didn't understand.. Well, now I do. I at least understand more than I did yesterday. 
But, I just have to try to move on. Right? I have to leave you alone. & honestly, that hurt more than anything. You said it was a smile on your face & everything. Like, you didn't care about my feelings. Well, I don't  know if you did or do but it just kinda felt like that. It hurt so bad. I just wanted to fall to the ground crying. But, I didn't. I just tried to hold back the tears. Until they just fall down my face without warning.. Gosh, I hate crying in front of you. I really do. Because I think you think I'm just doing it for attention. When I'm not.. I hate crying in front of people. Especially you.. Anyways, I just don't know what to do. I've been trying to move on. But, that hurts so much. But I'm going to try anyways. Because that's what you want.. So, I'm doing it for you. & so I can get my best friend back.. I miss him. So many memories.. I don't even want to name any because I'm going to start crying.. I just miss my best friend.. & only time is going to fix that. I'm just glad I've finally realized all that. & understand so much more. 

~Nevaeh Raine.
October 29th, 2013.