Hate This..

I can't take this anymore. I miss him more than words can describe.. I just want him to be mine again. I just want to run into his arms & hug him. & never let go. I just want to call him mine again.. & I hate this so much. Because I know he more than likely doesn't want anything to do with me.. He doesn't like me. Why would he? Yeah, he once did. & I wish so much that he still did. But, seriously. Look at me. I wouldn't like me either. Ha.. Who would? 

Ughh. I just hate this so much. Seriously, when will this pain just go away? Never? Okay, that's cool. I honestly don't see how he could move on so fast. He said he "lost feelings." How do you lose feelings that fast? Especially to the person you lost your virginity too. Like really? God fucking damn it.. I hate this so much. I just want to scream. But why do that? No one will hear me anyways. You know, I could go on & on about him. But, I choose not too. Because I know one of the guys will take my phone or he will take my phone & read it. & I don't want to sound like I'm fricken obsessed with him. Cause I'm not. That would be weird as hell. But honestly, I just want him to like me the way he did back in August. I just want everything bad.. Please? Is that so hard to ask for. I just want to be happy. Just for once to finally stay happy. & he's the only thing that makes me 100% happy. No joke. I'm not lying. I just want him to be happy.. But I want to be the reason. He said I used to be to reason why he was happy. Why he had a smile on his face everyday. 

OhMyGosh.. This is bring back memories.. I'm already starting to cry.. I remember the day he got back from Indiana. He called me asking if I could go to his house, up to his room so I could put something away or he would get in trouble by his mom. So, I said yeah I'll walk to his house & do it for him. So, I began to walk. & right when I was almost at his house he told me to turn around. Because I had to get something from my house & take it to his house. So, I turned around. I began to walk back to my house. When, I seen someone sitting on the side of the road. It looked so much like him. I asked him if that was him. & he didn't know what I was talking about. So, I continued to walk. When I realized that was him. I froze for a second. I stopped walking & I began to tear up. I was so happy. I walked up to him & he just smiled at me. I asked for a hug. & he got up & hugged me so tight. I didn't want to let go. I didn't want to lose him again. I was beyond happy that he was back. & He just had to biggest smile on his face. He kissed me so many times. & I believe he said he missed my lips. I started to cry from how happy I was. I had him back. & I knew he wasn't going anywhere. He was back to stay. & I didn't want to watch him leave again. It hurt too much the first time. I can't do that again. 

I remember that day like it just happened yesterday. & I wish it was just yesterday that happened. Because, I would know he was still mine. & I was still his. I would know he still loved me & wanted to be with me. I just want it all back.. I want to be his again. I just want to be happy again.. & I want him to be the reason why. I just want to be together again. I miss him so much. I seriously need him more than anything. But, he doesn't seem to understand that.. I just wish I could go to sleep happy because he's mine. & wake up with the same smile I had on my face when I fell asleep. I wish I could wake up next to him every morning. Like I did on the weekends. I just wish, he still loved me like he used too.. 

~Nevaeh Raine.</3

October 14th, 2013.